This Caped Cabaret
by StudyManiac
Summary: AU. What if Earth destroyed itself in a massive nuclear war and the survivors were raised on a planet filled with blue skinned people? You know what they say, the more things change, the more things stay the same. -Role reversal- I'm bad at summaries.
1. Chapter 1

I'm fairly active over at the Megamind LJ community (I'm studymaniac for the few of you who'd know me). Anyway I was inspired by neuralclone to write this AU. I warn you though. This is the serious chapter so be prepared for the angst!

Disclaimer: My greatest evil plot would be a hostile takeover of DreamWorks and thus owning Megamind. Sadly this plot is still hasn't paid out, so until then I own nothing. ;P

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><p><span>This Caped Cabaret<span>

It was a sad sight, made even worse by the knowledge that it wasn't always this way. Not too long ago a proud city stood on this ground. Colossal towers of steel had shared space with the humblest brick apartment buildings here. Instead of the smoking rubble there had been businesses large and small. That black patch of liquefied organic ooze had been the city park, and you could just barely spot the bay from here. The opening to one of the largest lakes this side of the planet, now an acidic sink hole that was still boiling from the nuclear aftermath.

As cliché as it sounds, there was a lone figure to observe it all but he was far from an inhabitant of this desolate scene. While he once had dreams of walking on this planet he had never set foot on it until today. What a pity.

His race had such hope for this planet. Some had been skeptical, due to how closely its dominant species resembled their militaristic neighbors, but they progressed faster in the realms of science and reason than the Glau ever did. Besides the two were hardly similar molecularly, and the figure doubted that these people had ever been able to produce the fluorescent proteins need to turn ones retinas into laser emitters.

However besides organic chemistry this planet was so different from Glau. Smaller, lighter, and abundant in water it was practically a twin to the observer's own world. It was another reason why they had been so interested. It was rare enough to discover a planet that could support life, let alone in the conditions that mirrored their own. Even if you discarded any ideas of colonization there was still plenty of opportunities for trade and mutual scientific discovery. The origin of planets, why some species looked alike, why they all seemed to evolve along similar biological patterns, the origin of life, basically the origin of everything were all questions that could have been probed, if not solved.

But that was then and this is now.

The figure sighed deeply. It was hard letting go of an interesting project, and a dream. He'd been assigned to observe this sector from the Saturn Moon base for years. Not that it was actually called "Saturn", just some list of numbers, but he had heard one of the humans call it that once and deemed the name far more catchy. The observational equipment there was top of the line. It was much better than it was fifty years ago, back when they used drones and self operating AIs. Great heavens those things had been a pain! Lorek never had to use them in his career, but his predecessor often complained about the constant glitches and navigational miscalculations. The darn things kept flying too close to the surface and attracting attention. One of them even crashed! Luckily it was in the middle of a desert and they were able to send a retrieval team to extract most of the main pieces before a form of emergency services arrived. They were almost afraid that the whole project would be blown, due to the Supreme Council's strict regulations on first contact, but luckily the humans had been content on sweeping the whole thing under the rug. So the Council had let it go and given them more funding to upgrade their systems. His station looked more like an observatory than a lab.

It had been like watching his viewer at home, and Lorek's family had teased him about being paid to sit on his rear all day watching programs.

He'd joke back and say that it was the best job in the galaxy.

He liked the humans. They were far from perfect, but what species really was? Each culture had its interesting quirks. They weren't torn between strict logic or pure creativity. You could argue that they were a little on the emotional side, but if Lorek had to be honest then he'd have to admit how flamboyant his own people could be when they were on (what had the humans called it? Oh yes) a "sugar high".

Not that it mattered now. Lorek sighed again at the destruction around him. Even his kind hadn't been gutsy enough to split an atom. They knew the destructive power that it carried, and while many of their tech included radiation or some form of chemistry that had originated with this energy they had never actually built a bomb with it. They had other means of mass destruction.

The political tension building up to this had been agonizing to watch. All of the misconceptions and secrets, culture clashes and economical disputes had amassed the pressure until their leaders just couldn't take it anymore. Emotions had run high, and even reason could have led the charge given that not a single person involved had possessed all of the facts.

Lorek had begged the Supreme Council to interfere, or allow him to. But he'd been hastily denied. Yes their presence would most likely unite the humans but it would also be most likely be against them. Besides it wasn't their place to interfere with the natural course of the natives' development. The rules of contact clearly stated that communication was to only be established when the possible change to a race's culture and mindset were within the minimal and acceptable levels. Which the human's current state of global affairs was anything but.

It was like the whole world just screamed, and the explosions had almost sounded like it on the monitors.

Lorek looked up at the sky. From the images he had been sent it was supposed to be a blue as his skin, but that was gone too. He shook his large head. There was still data to be collected and he wanted to be back on base before the orange skies ripped open with another static storm.

He pulled a device out of the pocket of his hazmat suit to scan the air quality, as dismal as it was. His thick protective boots broke the crusty shale underfoot. No doubt that except for the most resilient forms of life everything had been wiped out, and would take thousands if not millions of years to recover. Yet even without its people they could learn things from this planet, and Lorek was contemplating whether or not to say on the project. It wouldn't be the same without the human's sitcoms and social antics to brighten his day. Part of him argued that it would be a hallow shell of the experience it had been, but at the same time he wondered if his replacement appreciate what was left behind. Would he or she preserve the literature or music that had somehow survived? Would they try to study the scientific theorems that cleverly saw things in a different way? Would they just delete any remnant TV or radio programs still echoing on the air waves? Would they save and try to decontaminate the works of art, or appreciate the rubble that had once been the Eiffel Tower or the Great Wall of China?

Somehow that made Lorek even more depressed.

He wished he could reach up to twist the tips of his mustache, but the poly coating helmet wouldn't allow for the nervous gesture. Only males of his species grew large amounts of hair and only around the oral cavity, if you didn't count eyebrows. Another wave of regret washed over Lorek as he pounded in the idea that he'd never get the chance to feel the soft locks females of this planet had been so obsessive over.

He was about to return to his ship when he heard it.

"Impossible." Lorek whispered, but no… There it was again!

Without thinking Lorek ran back the way he came. Dodging rubble and skeletons he followed the sound. It had been faint at first, but unmistakable. It was one of the commonalities that were shared by all forms of life and drew the same instinctual response.

The trail lead the blue skinned man to the half standing remains of a large building. The sign marking off the parking lot was broken, but still legible.

_Metro Mercy Hospital_

There was more debris in the lobby, but somehow he managed. The broken tile and empty halls made it harder to track, and Lorek had to double back a time or two. The place must have been like a maze even when it was completely standing because he ran into more than one dead end. He did his best to not look at the gurneys or slip on the biological matter.

Finally he turned a corner and he knew that he was on the right track. The equipment here was obviously made for this kind of patient and the wailing was louder. The alien's single minded pursuit blissfully blinded him from truly seeing what lay in that corridor. There are some things that no one should witness.

Lorek stopped in the doorway of the isolated room and leaned against its frame. His lanky body wasn't used to all this running, plus the floor ahead was uneven and collapsing in one corner. Some crafty footwork was going to be needed to cross safely. Thank the Heavens that his kind was blessed with an amazing sense of balance.

However even with this gift it was tricky.

"Gah!" He exclaimed as the floor dropped away beneath him. He lunged forward and gripped the ledge for all his worth, his feet dangling uselessly. He entertained thoughts of calling an AI until the crying began again.

"Shhhh. It's ok. It's ok. I'm coming." He cooed instinctively. No, he wouldn't call an AI – he decided – they're too single minded. The dumb machine would just grab him and leave without a parting glance at the crying pile of blankets in the corner.

"I'm… coming." He promised hefting his chest over the side. He had to drag himself up, clawing at the cracked concrete, until his knee finally found purchase on a support beam.

Oh man he was tired, and vowed to start taking the exercise protocols more seriously from now on.

Out of danger Lorek let himself lay there for a moment and considered talking a quick nap until the sound that brought him here suddenly rose in pitch.

"I'm coming!" He promised again. Though his strength was slow to return Lorek crawled to the corner, and he discovered that what he thought were blankets were actually a pile of lead vests.

'_Clever.'_ Lorek thought. _'For an adult it wouldn't be enough but for someone smaller…' _He was tempted to tear them off all at once but didn't. Instead he pulled out another small device from his hazmat pocket. It was a disk with a small blue orb in the center, and the whole thing was about the size of a cookie. He set it on the floor next to the blankets and pressed down on the orb. It began to glow and after a moment of warming up projected an electromagnetic field outward like the opening of an umbrella. Lorek turned the dial till the force field was big enough to cover the area.

The odds that this could have happened were astronomically small and Lorek wouldn't ruin it all just because he was too impatient. If he thought watching the world crumble was agonizing, then this was pure torture. As he counted down the seconds it would take the gadget to purify the air and filter out the radiation within the bubble, he wondered what he would find. How safe had this pile of lead vests really been? What if the lead itself had caused damage? Would the find some poor disfigured creature? What would he do with it? Could he really take it back to Azzura? What would the Supreme Council think? Surely this wasn't interfering, or at least not in an entire culture. Heck there wasn't even a culture left! What about compassion towards other living creatures? Where in the guidelines had _**that**_ been addressed?

Oh Heavens, what if they wanted to kill-

The disk beeped, signaling that it was done and shocking him out of his thoughts. Despite his earlier anxiety Lorek removed the vests very slowly. He was afraid of what he might find but it would be impossible to turn away.

"Why hello." He greeted softly.

Cradled inside the vests like insects in a cocoon were two small infants. One was smaller than the other, but they were both showing signs of extreme dehydration and malnutrition. Lorek mentally counted off the days since the first missile had struck the area, assuming that they hadn't eaten since then it was understandable. The smaller baby was in a blue jumpsuit and looked a little younger that the other in pink. He guessed that they were male and female judging from what he knew of Earth culture. The poor boy didn't even have the energy to cry and it broke the alien's twin hearts.

Another ear piercing wail made him wince.

"Now, now. It's ok. Uncle Lorek is here, and I'm going to make everything all better." He cooed at the girl. Though he wasn't sure how he was going to keep his promise.

The girl might have been a little better off since she was older but not by much. She was stubborn though and Lorek had to admire her resilience. She certainly had some pipes to keep wailing like that.

"You're a fighter, aren't ya?" He asked gently rubbing her tummy, and hoping it would calm her down.

He'd have to get them out of there soon, but he spared a glance around the remains of the room curious as to how the children survived. There was some sort of large medical machine caught between the hole and most of the debris. So that had taken the brunt of the force, along with the rest of the building. It was just a miracle pure and simple that the roof didn't collapse, but how had they gotten there? Why weren't they affected by the toxic air?

That's when Lorek spotted the corpse. It was female, probably within the ages of twenty five to thirty, and wearing the dirty and tattered remains of some sort of uniform. So she worked here huh? Must have gabbed these two and desperately hid them under the vests knowing that the lead would protect them from the worst of the radiation. Why these two would always be a mystery. Convenience, chance, family relation maybe, whatever the reason it all remained the same. Dead men tell no tales.

Beside her Lorek spotted the air canisters. They were all oxygen containers and had tubes stuffed into the pile. Again, that was clever. The seal wouldn't be perfect (the boy had a cough that Lorek didn't like), but considering the stress she must have been under it was impressive thinking.

The girl wailed again, demanding attention.

"Ok, ok." He read the paper bands on the children's ankles. Thank goodness that their written language was similar to his own. "Miss Roxanne Ritchi and Mr. Bernard Jones it's a pleasure to meet you. Now let's get you some food."

He wrapped them both in an oversized vest and pinned the force field generator to the front. He'd have to walk slower so the generator could keep up the bubble, but that was manageable. Bundle cradled to his chest the alien skirted around the edges of the room being careful not to fall. At the doorway though, Lorek had to stop.

He glanced over his shoulder. Whoever the woman was she'd sacrificed everything to save these children, and deserved something for it. Even if words fell on deaf ears at least they were said.

"Thank you," He whispered, "You did your best to protect them and now I'll do the same."

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><p>Before anyone asks, <strong>no <strong>Lorek is not Megamind's father (I hope the mustache and not a full on beard would be enough of a hint). I know... (Le Gasp! An OC! DDDDDX) But I have a different role in mind for Meg's dad. Bwahahah. =] Plus I SWEAR if we ever see Lorek again it will be to either further the plot or shine some light on an issue going on with the main characters, which isn't that the definition of a secondary character?

And yes, I did bring Bernard along for the ride. It wasn't in the prompt, but I figured that Megamind had Minion to prevent him from going nuts from social isolation so Roxanne needed somebody too.

PS. The hallway that Lorek was blissfully blind to was the delivery ward. Again maybe I was a little too subtle here but I wanted to set up where he was in the hospital but didn't want to graphically describe it either (gah! DX)


	2. Chapter 2

I'm sorry about the wait. Things have been crazy, but while this may be the slowest updating fanfic it WILL be updated. (the plot bunnies for this are having to much fun bouncing around the inside of my skull to let this die)

Disclaimer: I still own nothing.

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><p><em><strong>Twenty-Nine Years After the Destruction of Earth<strong>_

"Minion! Where is the Dutonium?"

"Right here Sir!"

"Well bring it over here! Quickly! We don't have much time before-"

The lab was suddenly rocked by a giant _'poof'_ and the entire floor was filled with thick purple smoke.

"it blows…"

Once the emergency vents kicked in most of the smog was sucked out of the room, but its two inhabitants were still shaking off the effects. They coughed and clutched the tables packed with lab equipment for support. Papers were scattered on the floor and half the beakers were tipped over.

"I'm so sorry Sir!" The taller of the two apologized, though his height could hardly be contributed to natural causes. Robotic bodies could be fitted to any size or shape. All he needed was a dome of some sort to hold water, a very important commodity to a fish sentient or not.

"It's alright Minion." The other said, though his voice was raspy. His normally blue-skinned face was smeared with purple streaks, and he could feel the goo hardening on the hairs of his goatee like plaster. He was going to have one heck of a time getting it all out. Luckily his goggles had protected his acid green eyes, but the eyewear itself was beyond ruined.

"How about I clean up the lab?" Minion compromised still feeling guilty, "You can wash up, and I'll be ready to go about the same time we normally leave for family dinner night."

"I think I might just take you up on that." The other sighed tossing his goggles into the trash, "Just don't overdo it. Take care of the vials and project notes but leave the rest for the janitor bee-ots. It's what they're made for."

"Right!" The fish promised, "But I believe it is 'bots' sir."

"Whatever."

Minion shook his head as he watched his charge leave the room. Even though his boss was one of the smartest people on the planet, he still mispronounced the simplest words.

Meanwhile, the blue man was barely out into the hall before someone called out, "Yo Megs!"

He winced. Oh! He absolutely _despised_ the nickname but no matter what he said that incompetent Glauan blockhead refused to listen.

"It's _Megalaran_, Wayne!" He replied already seething. It had been a long week and he didn't have patience for the man.

"Yeah, well what was that?" Wayne asked. He floated down the corridor like he was too good to for gravity. The pure white and gray uniform of a Glau General had somehow been spared from the purple explosion and its golden tassels and buttons shimmered mockingly under the soft light. It emphasized his strong shoulders and triangular torso, leading the viewer's line of sight to his perfectly quaffed hair. The only things that marred Wayne's image to that of a God's were the streaks of silver at his temples and a missing cape.

"Didn't add enough Dutonium." Megalaran shrugged, "Not toxic so no biggie."

"You don't think an explosion is a big deal?" Wayne asked with a cocked brow and questioning blue eyes.

"It's kinda why they gave me an entire floor." He replied sarcastically, "Now if you excuse me I need to wash up."

"I'll tag along."

"Excuse me?"

"Well it is sort of my jo-"

"No." Megalaran held up a hand as if to physically silence the other. "Quite frankly I don't care if **it** happens again. There are enough rumors going around about my masculinity without you following me to the locker room like a giggling adolescent female."

"Oh…" Wayne actually looked contemplative for once, "Hey! I know how to fix that."

"How?"

"Why don't you come Carmak hunting with me sometime? It's fun and nobody questions your strength after a Carmak hunt!"

Megalaran though about the Glau's harsh deserts, black mountain peaks, and distinct lack of drinking water. Then his mental archives brought up the image of a Carmak, and he barely suppressed a shudder. The blasted wolf and boar like things were easily thirty feet tall and covered with steely spikes, not to mention the teeth. Oh Good Heavens the teeth were horrible! So instead he fixed the General with an icy glare.

"What?" Wayne shrugged.

"Don't your people have anything to prove yourselves that _doesn't_ involve killing something?"

"Have you seen the planet Megs?"

"Ok… You have a point. Now if you excuse me." Before Wayne could object Megalaran stepped into the lift and quickly sealed the door. It shot downwards with a distinct _whoosh_ of air pressure and the blue man managed to catch a glimpse of Wayne's surprised face through the clear material of the tube.

"Too slow General Pinhead." He chuckled darkly on the way down. Logically he really shouldn't feel hostile to the alien. General Scott's assignment was to protect him, and it was a part of the interplanetary exchange program the Supreme Council had drafted almost a decade ago. It was to soothe tensions between Azzurans and the other sentient life it the quadrant and, according to his mother, it was working, at least on other planets. An understandable outcome since most species enjoyed the technological benefits they brought to the table, but on Azzura itself the plan was less than perfect. Besides ambassadorial roles there just wasn't much these aliens could do, so it was difficult finding a place for them.

Wayne's race on the other hand had the benefit of a long history with Azzura. The two species had naturally run into each other considering how closely their planets orbited each other, and they had the added plus of being unique.

The extreme gravity, harsh conditions, and even harsher wildlife on Glau had created a people that, once off their own world, were practically invincible. The lighter magnetic pull on other planets allowed them to actually fly, and their natural tendency to produce muscles gave them unfathomable strength. Their thick skin and bone structure made them impervious to most if not all blows, and the laser vision that was the ace in the hole when it came to surviving on Glau, made sure that no one could attack them from afar either. It was a mixed blessing that they had chosen to be the universe's protectors instead of overlords. Though you could argue otherwise considering that it was called the _**Glau**__punk_ Quadrant. Megalaran absolutely loathed the idea of being depended on these people's good will, but at the same time he shuddered to think of how much destruction would follow if even one Glauan decided to throw his weight around.

Given all these strengths, any Glauan on Azzura was in a police or bodyguard type role. The fact that the Council believed that Megalaran should be protected (and by the General of the Glau forces on Azzura no less) was meant to be a complement. A show that he was a credit to their kind and that had earned his reputation as one of Azzura's leading scientists and engineers. Megalaran though, inwardly found it insulting. He wanted to object and say that he could protect himself thank you very much… if it wasn't for the current state of affairs.

Megalaran practically threw his ruined lab coat and suit into the incinerator shoot. They were unsalvageable, but that wasn't why he was angry.

'_That ungrateful infernal little bi-'_ He began to think, but forced himself to stop. No, no. He decided a long time ago that he would not allow that- that _thing_ to invade his valuable time and thoughts more than it already did.

'_Try another topic,'_ He decided stepping into the shower. The lukewarm water on his bare blue shoulders was nice, and its gentle pressure alleviated some of the knots building there. He grabbed the standard issue scrub brush and went to work on his goatee. Luckily, his prediction was wrong and the purple goo fell away with just a little bit of pressure. _'Why else do you dislike Scott?'_

Perhaps it was his name. General Scott's parents, like many Glauans, had found it fashionable to take on monikers from some distant planet. A rock whose inhabitants had managed to blow themselves up in a massive nuclear war, but had somehow left behind enough works to let others know who they were.

And now their invincible mirror images had adopted some of their surviving culture.

Megalaran found it ironic.

He stepped out in a cloud of steam feeling refreshed, if not slightly cynical. A clean dark blue jumpsuit with his favorite lightning bolt insignia on the front lessened that. The poly cotton and spandex blend fit like a glove and was as comfortable as a second skin. No wonder why practically every Azzuran wore something similar, though with different colors, crests, and ornamentation. He gave his favorite off duty boots a quick shine before zipping them on. The folded over cuffs just bellow his knees made him look a little like a pirate, but that was why he liked them. Megalaran would always be a lab geek, but at least he'd be a _devilishly handsome_ lab geek.

Irritation successfully dispelled, he was actually looking forward to the evening when he looked up, saw the spray can, and the world went black.

He came back the same way you surface from a dream, slowly and with growing levels of awareness.

First came the knowledge that he was sitting up.

Then it was the fact that he was tied to the chair he was sitting in.

Next it was the realization that it was cold and slightly dank in here. So he probably wasn't in the lab anymore.

And then the smell…

"Oh Good Heavens! Would it KILL You to WASH the bag!"

The offending sack was promptly yanked from Megalaran's head and he took in a large breath of fresh air. It was probably a little dramatic, but hey! That thing smelled like rotting potatoes and year old grease stains. It stank!

"Hello Megs."

"We meet again, Miss Ritchi." He scowled while the temptress herself just smiled her Cheshire grin. Oh, she knew how much he hated the nickname and that is why she used it, just like the bag.

A single high watt bulb glared at him from above, and basked his chair in a ring of light while the rest of the room was masked by the dark. His captor stood just outside of the glow.

"Isn't that my line? Oh well, I guess I'll forgo how futile it is to scream. Though it would be entertaining if you did." She chuckled. Her silhouette dissolved into the gloom but Megalaran could practically feel her circling round. "So how've you been?"

"Things were actually looking good until you showed up." He groaned. She was weaving in and out. He'd catch a flash of red here or a snap of fabric there. With each click of her heels Megalaran found it harder and harder not to crane his head around.

"Ah! How cruel! After all these years I'd thought that we'd built up a little rapport here, Megs."

"Yes well, I don't think Stockholm syndrome is as great as it's cracked up to be, Miss Ritchi." He replied, sarcasm practically dripping from him.

"So formal too." She sighed, "You know for being grabbed by a _"terrorist"_ on a regular basis you're really not that worse for wear, and I don't ask for much. It's just a little computer programming. You do the same thing at work every day, but you insist on being **difficult**."

"This isn't exactly roses and fluffy pillows over here." He replied dryly, tugging at the ropes just for effect.

She broke the cycle then. Striding forward with enough resolve to blow back her red cape, the light gleamed off her short auburn hair and only emphasized the freakish pink glow of her skin. She stopped dead in front of him and bent over until they were eye to eye. Her faintly freckled nose barely an inch from his blue one, and she had to support herself by leaning her black gloved hands on the armrests his own were tied to.

"Tell me," She dared. Her voice low and hard, "if you'd come any other way."

"…"

He'd blame it on her eyes. No one had eyes like that on Azzura. Their natural gene pool ranged from light greens to dark oranges and while somebody would pop up with violet irises no one possessed that deep blue. Ok, so technically Wayne did, but his were a washed out imitation compared to the cerulean of Miss Ritchi's eyes.

It was like staring into the heart of a raging ocean, lighter on the outer rim before darkening into the whirlpool of her pupil. Yet at the same time they seemed to burn. If the eyes were truly the windows to the soul then Miss Ritchi was possessed by indigo flames.

"I thought so." She hummed, taking his silence for an unspoken '_I wouldn't_'. Drawing back to her full height she glowered down at him with arms crossed. Her cape was over her shoulders allowing Megalaran to see her new suit. Its black and grey colors emphasized the curvature of her chest, and lead the viewer's eye down the gentle dip of her waist to the ample swell of her hips. How she managed to get all that leather and spandex to fit like that remained a mystery.

"You're all the same." She growled out.

Not waiting for a reply Roxanne bent down again, but this time to grab the bars that supported the armrests. She swiftly dragged his chair backwards and out of the light. It screeched the entire way and she didn't bother to look behind her shoulder.

"Whoa!" He could help but cry out as his chair was dumped in front of something hard. Miss Ritchi's vision adapted quicker so she was already messing with something outside his line of sight. When his eyes finally did adjust to the dark, the harsh glow of the computer monitor burst to life painfully in his face. He was sure that she did it on purpose.

"You think you know what to do or do I have to hold your hand?" She sneered.

Megalaran opened his mouth to say something sarcastic. Probably about how his hands were actually _tied up_ at the moment, when a voice far drier than his could ever be interrupted,

"I leave you two alone for_ five_ minutes…"

"Hey Bernard." Megalaran sighed.

As if on que the man immerged from the shadows. The unnatural light from the screen brought out the blond streaks in his wild hair and caught his wire-trimmed glasses just right. Creating two perfectly round glowing white disks perched on either side of his small round nose, for a moment the human looked absolutely sinister.

That is until he flicked the wall switch.

"Bernard!" Miss Ritchi protested, "Oh jeez! Thanks for ruining the effect!"

Illuminated by the overheads, the room turned out to be one of the maintenance stations posted throughout the capital. It's bleached white walls and circular construction felt like a mix between an observatory and a hospital room, but at least the regular beeps and blinking lights on the machines made it feel at least a little more comforting, to Megalaran anyway. He had practically built the updated version so he was familiar with the room's equipment and its purpose in upholding The Mainframe.

Controlling all data flow from the maximum-security supercomputers to traffic lights, The Mainframe was the basis for most of the technology on Azzura. Biology was never Megalaran's field but if he had to explain how it worked then he'd compare it to the nervous system. The head CPUs in every University and each Supreme Councilors' office would be the brain, or more appropriately brain**s**, since it was designed to prevent any one person or faction from abusing their power. The maintenance stations would then be the spinal cord. With no major decision making capabilities on its own it directly controlled nothing, but made sure that the information went were it needed to go. It did the mundane programming that even an Azzuran child could do, and in times of emergency jumped in with (if the analogy was still being applied) instinctual responses that would prevent the entire system from shutting down.

Bernard ignored his mistress's sarcasm. "Hello Megalaran."

At least Bernard got his name right.

"Hello Bernard. How are you?" He asked simply with the dry ease of one old friend talking to another.

"Alright." The other man shrugged, "Same old, same old. You know the standard evil henchman stuff."

"I've noticed. You're better at catching me than you used to be." Megalaran stretched his neck, but it was without pain or bruising. Bernard used to underestimate his weight and as a result he'd wake up from the knockout gas with a terrible throbbing in the back of his skull. Luckily there wouldn't be a bruise, or Minion would have had a fit. How _the human_ managed to continually sneak up on him like that was still a mystery. The C.A.S.T entry protocols should bar him from entering the lab at all, but he was there all the same.

"Yeah, well you know what they say. 'Practice makes perfect'."

Bernard's voice was always stuck on monotone. Some of Megalaran's coworkers kept asking him how he could stand keeping up a conversation with such a dry person, but he kind of liked Bernard's 'call-it-as-it-is' attitude. It was a walk in the park compared to his mistress's aggravating tendencies.

"You two done?" She snapped, but the boys just shared a knowing glance.

"You ticked her off again, didn't you." Bernard said rather than asked, "She's going to be impossible to live with for the next day or so."

As per usual, Bernard came closer and untied the blue man's wrists. His ankles and waist were still bound to the kidnapping chair but now were hands were free to do whatever mundane, overly flawed, plan Miss Ritchi had in her small head.

"I guess, but it's just so easy." Megalaran grinned slyly and rubbed his wrists to regain lost circulation.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Bernard agreed.

It always felt odd, having another person be that close (if only momentarily) and not feel their head touching his own. Not that the physical contact meant anything, but it was like seeing someone with a missing limb. Your mind keeps imagining what should be there but wasn't. Though it was easier to deal with when it came to Bernard. As unnerving as it was to see just how much_ hair_ both Bernard and Miss Ritchi possessed, Bernard's vertical locks made it easier to pretend (if you squinted, or didn't think about it too hard) that his cranium was normal sized and easier to look at.

"This isn't a tea party or some brunch over beer here!" Miss Ritchi interrupted, sounding indignant. "We have work to do!"

Megalaran let out a deep sigh. "So what _'malevolent'_ virus of _'mass mayhem'_ am I sluggishly downloading today? Or can I skip all the stalling and just go home?"

"Not today Megs!" Miss Ritchi began. Oh Lord, he could practically see the monologue coming on. "Today your _precious_ Mainframe will collapse in Digital Flames under the Might of my _Malware!_ With the system down, the street will be chaos and ripe-"

"Wait. What?" Megalaran interrupted, "Mael-wa-rre?"

"..."For a moment Miss Ritchi stare at him agape. "Aren't you supposed to be a genius?"

"Aren't you supposed to be threatening?" He bit back.

"I Am _To_ Threatening!" She insisted, trying to loom over him. Megalaran didn't look impressed.

"Riiiiiiiiiight." He smirked, so overly placating that it was insulting. And it worked too. She puffed up like a fish and glared at him like she had heat vision.

"Why you…"

The communications system buzzed, cutting her off. She glanced over her shoulder and sighed when she realized that the monitor it was linked to was across the room. With a frustrated groan she plugged in a rusty looking device with more force than necessary.

"Excuse me while I keep your boyfriend in tights busy!"

"I Do NOT Have A Boyfriend!" Megalaran couldn't help but complain for the billionth time. "And it's YOUR fault that brainless rumor is around in the first place!"

"Whatever!" She waved dismissively over her shoulder. "Get to work before I have Bernard jam you into an incinerator shoot."

She flipped a switch and the main monitor flickered to life.

"Hey Roxie."Wayne greeted in his usual informal way, "You know, I was actually hoping that you'd forget about this week's kidnapping. It kinda looks bad when I can't prevent my assignment from being nabbed."

"Evil never forgets." She griped, but then something shifted in her stance. "It's like a wound that never closes, festering and fueling the need for revenge."

"Ah," Wayne smiled falling into the old habit too, "but a wound can be treated by the proper medicine."

"Not if it isn't administered properly."

"Good always has the best doctors!"

"But Evil is not covered by health insurance!"

"Recent healthcare reforms cover everyone under the Umbrella of Justice!"

"All umbrellas eventually tear under the onslaught of-"

"Oh GOD! Can somebody just _shoot me_ now?" Megalaran shouted above the pair. Roxanne whirled around, her red cape furling like a rich curtain, and since he'd said it so loudly even Wayne looked up.

"Work. Now!" Miss Ritchi ordered, pointing one leather finger at him.

"Fine!" He huffed, "Just don't make me listen to any more of that junk or I'll bash my head against the keys just to make it stop!"

Megalaran turned to his own monitor while the uniformed dimwits returned to their own conversation. Thankfully it was devoid of ridiculous banter so he was able to tune it out. On his screen the usual sign-in page waited eagerly.

**C**.apabilities **A.**nd **S.**kills **T.**est

Ah the C.A.S.T…. He barely batted an eye at the questions. You really didn't need to if you had been passing a test since you were seven years old. Megalaran could still remember how proud everyone was after he took it for the first time. His parents both took the day off and they all spent the day at the park playing and eating junk food. It wasn't every day that a grade schooler earned scores that were beyond some adult's.

The system was designed to asses every Azzuran's intellectual levels since childhood. Typically, at that tender age, it would determine which classes the kid would need to develop and grow. Once they were older, it would generate a list of jobs that would benefit from the test taker's knowledge base, and in higher security jobs such as Megalaran's it served as a front line firewall to unauthorized personnel.

His personal login came up after that, and it was time to stall. Megalaran spent hours working on this system every day, and there was no way he'd willingly infect it with Miss Ritchi's Mael-Mel-Mal, oh whatever it was! Besides no hostage does what their kidnappers want just because they demand it. Especially if all the threats are empty, and Megalaran knew that they were. Miss Ritchi wouldn't lay a finger on him. Years of kidnapping had proven that, and there was no way she could force him to do anything otherwise. So he wouldn't do it. He knew that. The Supreme Council knew that. Wayne knew that. Bernard certainly knew that, and Megalaran guessed that even Miss Ritchi knew it. So why she kept doing this was mind boggling. There was just no point to it all!

Part of him just wanted to write it off to how low her C.A.S.T. scores were, like everyone else did.

Though the rumor just didn't sit quite right with Megalaran.

Right on schedule, he heard her say something pointless about citywide domination. She was clever enough to never say it the same way twice, but at its core the speech was always about the next evil plot. A stereotypical villain monologue, jeez where'd she pick that up? Comic books? Who honestly acted like that?

"Do you think her plan's ever going to work?" Megalaran asked Bernard dryly. Who was leaning against the console with a look of unabashed boredom and distain.

"Nope. Not at all. Never in a million years." He sighed pushing the glassed up to the bridge of his nose.

"Then why go along with it?" Megalaran asked.

"Because there's no one else." Bernard shrugged.

"What-"

There was a loud crash and plaster pellets bounced off his blue head. Megalaran didn't even need to look behind him to see who'd crashed through the ceiling. It was the same thing that happened every week.

"Miss Ritchi!" Wayne's voice boomed, "By the power invested in me by the Glauan High Queen and the Supreme Council of Azzura, you are under arrest!"

"Arrest this." Miss Ritchi dared. She upholstered a military grade blaster and fired off a few shots at Wayne. How she got her hands on one of those was another mystery. Wayne actually dodges the first two shots but the third clips him in the shoulder. Not that it actually hurts the Glauan, but the uniform is definitely ruined.

He dives at Miss Ritchi, but she jumps and rolls to the side to avoid it. Just as she lands on her feet again, she fires another shot and throws a volley of static grenades at Wayne. The small metallic balls either miss or bounce off him, but when the blaster beam hits one of the grenades it bursts. The stored electricity in it goes haywire at latches on to the surrounding grenades, which burst and reach out to the next closest grenades, and creates a chain reaction that has Wayne momentarily paralyzed.

'_Clever.'_ Megalaran has to admit, but not aloud.

Miss Ritchi uses the opportunity to make a break for the door. Megalaran thinks and agrees that even she isn't crazy enough to believe that she can keep this up for long. Guessed that she was getting out while she still was ahead, but not before cackling evilly along the way.

"Looks like evil won this round." She gloats, but finds out the hard way that it was too soon.

"Justice always prevails Miss Ritchi!"

In a blink, Wayne's baring the exit. His uniform is in tatters but the man himself is unharmed. In another blink Miss Ritchi has her hands cuffed behind her and then they're gone.

"Looks like your Mistress is in jail ag-" Megalaran begins but cuts himself off when he realizes that he's alone in the room. Did Wayne grab Bernard too? Naw, probably not. For a general, Wayne has a one-track mind. Bernard probably used the commotion to duck out quietly like he usually does. Though at least Megalaran knows that he won't have long to wait. Wayne is usually pretty quick to come back and get him out of there.

Since the monitor is still on Megalaran pulls up the Maintenance station's info sheet. After glancing over it, he groans.

She does this on purpose.

She has to, because there's no way that she always picks the most out of the way, isolated, and remote places in all of the capital to drag him too by chance. This Maintenance station is on top of the Noreast mountain range.

Wayne's going to have to _carry_ him down, and he'll insist on doing it bridal style.

_Great. Just great…_

* * *

><p>At last, you meet most of the main characters. Roxanne may seem a little off but there is an explanation to that! It'll be in the next update. Plus there was only so much I could fit in one chapter. I had to put up a lot of the setting here, but hopefully I didn't lull you to sleep with it. I also tried to make Megamind's name as close to the original as possible, but I have plans for that too. (bwahaha =] )<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_**AN:**_ Thank all of you so much for the reviews! I have summer classes so I haven't been able to reply to them as I did before, but I appreciate each and every one! Even the anonymous ones, I wish I could reply to you guys too but I know how being internet shy can be (or whatever). Either way, I love you guys all to pieces. 3 3 3

SORRY about all the horizontal lines but is being a pain. It won't save symbols for some reason.

So onto the next installment! Oh before I forget, I'm not a bad speller when it comes to names. My cheater method for coming up with alien ones just involves adding an extra letter to something normal, usually a vowel.

* * *

><p>The shuttle landed slowly, barely making a hiss as it docked. The flames from the after burners were almost depleted and the hull was still glowing faintly from reentry. However this was to be expected after such a long trip, and was well controlled by Azzuran engineering. Large robotic hands reached up to latch onto the craft's sides. Thus anchoring it to the ground and the docking platform. A silent whoosh filled the inner cabin as the ships passengers felt natural gravity replacing artificial.<p>

A feminine, but obviously robotic, voice came over the intercoms and reminded the travelers to remain seated while the docking unit taxied to the terminal. Some were unbuckling their seatbelts anyway, and others voiced their anticipation of getting out into the open after hours of stale recycled air.

Lorek twisted the tips of his mustache, a habit that he still hadn't kicked after all these years. It was good to be back on Azzura. Though he was wondering if that intern back at the station was really running those geo-thermal scans or using the video sequencers to flirt with his girlfriend… again.

"_Nothing I can do about that now."_ He thought. A gentle rock signaled that the ship was now attacked to the terminal and the fasted seat belt sign was turned off. The tight aisle was quickly packed with the blue skinned travelers, eager to be home after months away at their respective intergalactic research posts. Lorek, however, waited patiently in his seat. He felt that he was too old to fight the crowds, and thought it was pointless to be cramped standing up. The AIs wouldn't open the doors until they were finished with the routine post flight decontaminations, and besides…

His children would find him soon enough anyway.

* * *

><p>Roxanne sat on the bench with a hard thump. The movement rattled the chains between her wrist and ankle restraints but didn't hurt her bum as much as you think it would. Sometimes having wide hips and a bubble butt came in handy.<p>

"Hey Roooooxie!"

Roxanne groaned. Out of all the things that were meant to be punishments in this joke of a prison Jaine Doe had to be the worst. After obligatorily holding up her wrists for the nurse, they were unlatched from the belt around Roxanne's waist and tethered to the table. The same was done for her ankle restraints except they were locked to the concrete floor. Small bins of nuts and bolts were already waiting to be sorted and the recycling jars stood right next to them.

"Oh me, oh my! You made quite _a mess_ today didn't you? Sending those robots to city hall… _Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!_"

Roxanne sent the blue woman an icy glare. Did she always have to talk to her like she was a dog?

"Why now you've could've hurt yourself with all those _nasty wasty_ machines, and it's such a _hard_ and _technical_ world out there." Miss Doe sighed, punctuating each adjective, "But it is all better now that we have our Roxy-foxy back!"

"Come a little closer and I'll show you _technical_." Roxanne sneered. Her hand gripped one of the loose bolts on the table. She knew that Jaine wasn't stupid enough to actually get within reach, but that didn't stop Roxanna from fantasizing about exactly where she'd shove the bolt, given the chance.

"Oh I see we're cranky wanky today, but don't worry. I'll ask Stieve to adjust your medicine."

With a smile like that Roxanne wondered if 'used hover car saleswoman' had been on Jaine's list of C.A.S.T. generated job openings.

"'Wanky'?" Roxanne quoted with a cocked eyebrow. "You know, the last time I checked I didn't have one of those. I think you might have a little trouble getting your nursing license renewed."

"Awwwww. Sarcasm. How cute!" Jiane put a hand on the tabletop while she got off her knees. She dusted off her white uniform and then patted Roxanne on the head. Who jerked away from the physical contact but continued to glare.

"But that is so far above your C.A.S.T. scores." The nurse mumbled as if she were talking to herself.

"_Breathe. Just Breathe."_ Roxanne told herself. She concentrated on counting backwards from ten as Miss Doe filled out the standard paperwork and attacked the clipboard to the placard in front of Roxanne's station. The bald woman gave the area one last glance over and nodded approvingly.

"Allllllllll set!" Jaine added. "And I'll see _you_ in a few hours! To-ta-loo!" With a finger wave and another annoyingly perky smile she was off to torture – err – treat the next inmate. Roxanne watched her go and was tempted to try chucking a screw at the back of her bulbous head. She ended up deciding against it. Even if the chains were long enough to let her move her arm the right way, it wouldn't do her any good. The best she could hope for was a nasty purple bruise, and it would be bought at the price of a double dose of anesthesia later. The injectable kind, not the pills they normally narked patients up with to keep them calm and out of trouble at night. The kind Roxanne couldn't hide under her tongue and spit into the toilet when no one was looking.

"Sometimes I wonder if they keep her medicated." Roxanne grumbled and chucked the screw into its proper bin. She let herself go on autopilot. Bolts went in that bin. Nuts went in this one. It was just like the toddler toy. Circles only fit into the circular hole and squares only went through the square hole. If a little grease came off on her hand she'd wipe it off on her hideous sea green jumpsuit. Why the county prison commission picked it for the jailhouse uniforms was baffling. It wouldn't help the guards spot escapees and it washed out Roxanne's skin tone horribly.

Not that Roxanne cared that much. She'd be out of it sooner or later when she broke out, again. Though right now the emphasis was on later. It'd take time to accumulate the things she needed. Time she quite frankly did not have the patience for, at least not right now.

"_Are you really that stupid?"_ She thought angrily. "_Going through with a plan right before Uncle Lorek comes home! He had to leave before you could escape the last time!"_

Roxanne sighed deeply, mentally kicking herself, but at the same time wasn't sorry for it. Well, she was never sorry about the destruction she'd caused, but the timing could have been better. She argued with herself that she had needed to pull the plan off today. The codes she gained were essential to her real plans and on top of Lorek's visit she was also anxious to get back the lair in order to use them.

"_You still haven't caught on. Have you Megs?"_ She chuckled inwardly. No one had. Bernard was the only one who knew the real purpose of her public displays and why she needed Megalaran so badly. The greatest thing about it was that the blue "genius" gave her everything she wanted without even knowing it. Such an incredibly ingenious plan, so simple it was elegant.

A guard was coming up the row so Roxanne straightened up and pretended to concentrate on the piles in front of her. She wasn't much for lies but the staff wasn't trained to pick out real deception anyway. At this level, if any of the other blue prisoners were planning something it was show in their work.

Though Roxanne wondered what the old human activists would say about using prisoners as a source of free labor.

On the other hand you really couldn't argue against it. This was, after all what worked for their species, because you simply couldn't lock an Azzuran away in a box. The kind of jails earth had would be impractical on Azzura. Their minds were their greatest evolutionary strength, and if you gave it nothing to do then it would channel all of its brainpower on getting out. How long it took depended on how smart he or she was, but they'd inevitably find a flaw and crack the whole prison open. For someone like Megalaran it would probably only take a day, maybe less. A person like Miss Doe (though Roxanne would love to say forever) would need a month, but the result was the same.

The trick was to provide just enough stimulation to keep the brain occupied, but not enough materials to be utilized in an escape. Again that depended on how smart the prisoner in question was. Make the task too difficult and it would be abandoned in favor of freedom. Too easy and the same thing happened. How they measured this capability and responded to it was the same way everyone else did but for more economic reasons like: job placement, education, credit applications, driver's licenses, etc.

The Capabilities And Skills Test…

It was the one way Roxanne's C.A.S.T. score actually made her life easier. At least it meant that she'd be sentenced to places like this. A jail where the most complicated things the employees expected from their prisoners were the most basic skill sets and social abilities. It was a fairly small prison too. Since most of the time anyone with this low a C.A.S.T. score was labeled as handicapped and had families to support and take care of them. These types of offenders usually hadn't had access to anything that would have allowed them to commit any serious felonies either. So most of them came and went quickly too. Roxanne was one of the handful of criminals that actually had a few life sentences to her name, eight five to be exact.

The fact that no other Azzuran had been able to find fault with the effectiveness of this system also went in Roxanne's favor. No judge was willing to set a precedent and send her to a higher security prison than her C.A.S.T. score called for. They would try to make her retake the test every now and again. Usually after she'd convinced another district attorney that she was smarter than her scores let on, but Roxanne had stopped trying years ago. So if anything her numbers dropped, creating a legal paradox that no one could get around.

"Pick up the pace."

The new guy marched down the line growling out orders like that, and Roxanne watched him with growing interest. She couldn't do complex calculus in her head. She couldn't build a particle accelerator out of a toaster and three miles of aluminum tubing. She barely understood the viruses and weapons she used against the city, but Roxanne could read _people_ like the back of her hand. And this guy was practically a billboard.

He was a guard, but obviously not fresh out of school. Since age wise Roxanne guessed that he was in his mid-thirties and saw how he carried himself with an air of self-imposed importance. That kind of confidence only came from experience on the streets and not textbooks. From the way his belt was clipped on she knew that he was used to carrying a weapon, and whenever he caught a glance at his non-lethal tazer he'd grimace. A gesture Roxanne didn't miss. His mustache and goatee were neatly trimmed and strictly controlled. She couldn't spot a single thin hair out of place in any of the three triangles that surrounded his mouth. Conclusion: if he wasn't obsessive and controlling then Roxanne would eat her left sock.

"_Maybe I'll be getting out of here sooner that I thought."_ She smiled wickedly.

He spotted it, just as Roxanne knew he would.

"What you smiling at?" He growled.

"You're inability to use proper English." Roxanne chuckled, "I believe you meant to say, 'What _are_ you smiling at?'"

"You think you're smarter than me, you _hairy _little freak." He growled.

"I think I'm more eloquent when it comes to my choice of words."

"Oh yeah… Look where you are! This isn't even a real prison. It's a baby jail."

"Then perhaps you should look _where you are_ officer. You said it yourself. It's a baby prison. Hmmmm, I wonder how much skill it takes to keep this place in order." Roxanne laughed half-heartedly. "Not much I imagine."

"Why you -" The guard began. His feet lead him to just in front of Roxanne's station, but she interrupted him,

"Man you really must have pissed somebody off, didn't you? To be demoted _so low_-"

"Shut up." He sneered, cutting her off this time.

"Must have been really important." She continued. "Did you fool around with somebody's daughter? Coerced a confession out of someone who wasn't really some piece of blue trash? Botched evidence cataloging mayb-"

"I said Shut Up!" The officer shouted. At this he went around Roxanne's table and lifted her from her seat by the collar of her suit.

"Oh! Winner, winner, chicken dinner!" She laughed, though the man had no idea what she was really saying it to herself. "That sure hit a nerve. So what case was it?"

"If you don't shut your retarded mouth right now…" He warned, teeth clenched. He was holding her up so close to his face that for a second Roxanne had a flashback to earlier in the afternoon with Megs. By now the footsteps of the other guards could be heard coming towards them. Somebody even shouted at the new guy, asking him what the hell he thought he was doing. Neither of them did anything to acknowledge them. Roxanne because she knew the game she was playing and the guard because he was too angry to care.

"Must have been a big case too." Roxanne snickered. "Let's see, what have I heard in the news lately… Oh I know! The Judge Bardurry solicitation ring! Oh wow! That was you! No wonder your boss busted your chops all the way down to babysitting duty!"

With a frustrated growl, the guard forcefully dropped Roxanne back onto the bench. She used the momentum to hide his pick pocketed key card down her top, and braced herself for what she knew was coming next.

WHAM!

* * *

><p>WHAM!<p>

"Careful with that!" Lorek shouted. "It's very fragile!"

The brawn bot didn't even acknowledge the blue man as it dropped the crate onto the hover porter. The floating metallic disk wobbled a little as it readjusted for the weight, but settled back into the appropriate height quickly. Objective compete the large hulking bot rolled away to help the next person and leaving Lorek's scowling face behind it.

"Stupid machine." Lorek grumbled under his breath. Sometimes he wondered if he was the only Azzuran who hated robots. At least on his station he could hand them off to the rookie, who didn't seem to mind them, but here… Ha! The darn things were everywhere! They monitored the traffic lights. They did physical labor and mail deliveries. The things even served your food at everywhere from fast food joins to high class restaurants! Too bad their name was off, because while Lorek would certainly agree that they were _'' _he wouldn't say they were _''_. Maybe he wouldn't be so bitter about it if it wasn't for the fact that a hunk of steel could be called intelligent but a certain pair of flesh and blood people he knew couldn't, just because of some stupid test.

With a frustrated huff Lorek turned on his heel and marched out of baggage claim. The hover porter obediently trailed behind him following the transmitter in his pocket. Throngs of blue skinned people made leaving difficult, but what could you expect from the capital's main spaceport? There were families calling out greetings and farewells to their loved ones. Parents warning their younger children not to get to close to the carousels while others pointed out parcels that needed to be grabbed. A buzzer over carousel three went off, alerting the passengers of that flight that their luggage was about to be dispersed. Pets whined and moaned in their carriers, nervous because of their unfamiliar surroundings. While pilots, flight attendants, and frequent fliers like Lorek just tried to weave their way through the mess.

There were holoscreens everywhere. Most were blaring advertisements or daytime television. A select few displayed bright blue screens with arrival and departure times, but one in particular caught Lorek's attention. He stopped dead in his tracks. The hover porter however wasn't expecting the sudden stop and rear ended him. With a squawk and a frenzied series of beeps both man and machine managed to right themselves again. Though both looked a little frazzled.

"Blasted thing!" Lorek grumbled brushing the nonexistent dirt off his jumpsuit, while the hover disk whined like a dejected dog.

"_Next up in today's top stories:" the newscaster said on the holoscreen, "A Recap of Terrorist and Villainess Roxanne Ritchi's Recent Robotic Rampage at City Hall. That was quite a show. Wasn't it Plaul."_

"It sure was Coresy. It took General Scott ten whole minutes to get the malfunctioning construct-o-bots under control. Where they got enough chemicals to make those red fireworks is still under investigation. Police have stated that they will do all they can to figure it out in order to prevent such mishaps in the future and-"

Lorek groaned.

'_Again Roxanne?'_ He thought shaking his head.

The anchors continued talking about the incident. Apparently she'd somehow overrode the robots' daily objectives and sent them crashing about on the Supreme Council's doorstep. They caused the usual chaos and property damage until General Scott had arrived. Then just to add insult to injury she kidnapped the son of two of the most prominent members of the Council and held him hostage atop the Noreast Mountain range in a remote Maintenance station.

Lorek didn't even bother listening to the rest. Speculations and opinions from these people were as accurate as gossip, and he would be hearing it all from the horse's mouth pretty soon. Assuming that his ward escaped before long, but that wasn't much of a stretch considering her track record.

Out the sliding glass doors were more people. Some were loading up rental cars. Others had rides from friends or family, and Lorek joined the crowd trying to flag down a taxi.

"Driver!"He shouted at the nearest yellow vehicle, and was surprised when it immediately glided up to his patch of concrete. He was too thrilled to notice the jealous glares of the people who had been there longer than he had.

Lorek insisted on loading his luggage himself rather than waving down another AI. Though he almost reconsidered when it came to stuffing the crate in the trunk. His back certainly didn't like him for it, but stubbornness won out in the end. He closed the lid with a satisfied click. The crate and his suitcase barely fit and he'd have to put carry-on in the back seat. But that wasn't a big issue.

After returning the hover porter, Lorek slumped into the backseat with a contented sigh. The cushions were softer that the usual cookie cutter cab and that should have tipped him off. Maybe the shuttle lag prevented him from noticing it and the wild mane of hair poking out from behind the driver's headrest.

"So," Said a dry monotone voice from the front, "You still live in that dump or did you finally move out?"

"What the hell happened to you?"

"Nice to see you to Bernard." Roxanne replied and readjusted the frozen bag of peas over her eye.

"Roxanne! My God! Sweetheart what happened?" Lorek questioned. Concern etched in his features.

"I moved up my breakout schedule." Roxanne shrugged. "Probably saved one of my poor fellow inmates from that guard's temper while I was at it."

"You were punched! On purpose! By _a guard_!" Lorek shouted aghast, while Bernard looked unsurprised.

"Well I did push his buttons, but if he can't suck it up after somebody's bruised his ego then he really doesn't deserve to be working in any position of authority." She explained.

"He sure the hell doesn't!" Lorek agreed. He'd put up with a lot when it came to his adopted children, but this was something he would not stand for. Dropping his carry-on on the floor he marched to the phone and picked it up. "What's this person's name?"

"Sorry Uncle Lorek," Bernard spoke up, "but I'm just curious. What do you think you're going to call and say? _'Hey 911! I'm in the secret lair of the most wanted convicted felon on the planet and her lackey and I'd like to report prisoner abuse'_?"

"Besides, it's ok." Roxanne insisted nonchalantly, "There were other people who witnessed it. The jerk was cuffed so fast I think it broke a record. Probably didn't notice that his key card was gone until after he was booked and I was gone."

"You pick pocketed his key card?" Bernard asked.

"Yup." Roxanne grinned and held it up for him.

"Nice…" He replied, taking it and studying it carefully. Lorek didn't even want to know why he was so interested. He'd learned not to ask a long time ago.

Lorek sighed and slowly put down the receiver. "I suppose you're right. Shuttle lag must be getting to me."

"Can you stop taking like that? You're not that friggin' old!" Bernard protested.

"Says the kid who doesn't have arthritis."

"Says the kid who can do basic math. You're only fifty nine!"

"On earth that used to be a year before social security started paying you."

"Well on Azzura, modern medicine has you living to the ripe old age of one hundred and twelve. You're barely over half-way there!"

"Ok you two. Do I need to separate you?" Roxanne interrupted though light heartedly. It wasn't often that she got to play moderator.

"Funny you should be saying that." Bernard droned. "Tell me again what you and Megalaran were chatting about again."

"Hey! Now that's different!" She protested switching to indignant in a blink.

"Oh yeah. Enlighten me." Bernard replied sarcastically with lidded eyes and arms held out.

"Speaking of…" Lorek cut in. He knew how the two could keep an argument going forever, and tried cutting it off at the start whenever he was around. "What were you two doing this afternoon that it ended up on the evening news?"

"That was all her idea, as usual." Bernard jerked a thumb in Roxanne's direction.

"Oh gee. Thanks for showing me the underside of a bus!"

"Hey if you can't handle the truth."

"Now you're just begging me to start pulling out movie quotes."

Lorek groaned and started twisting the tips of his mustache. These two were going to be the death of him.

* * *

><p>In the end it was the usual game changer that settled all the arguments and finally left the lair with a quiet air: food.<p>

Villainy didn't exactly pay well and it had been a long day. Bernard hadn't been able to convince Roxanne to use just one construct-o-bot to smash an atm, and being wanted criminals kind of put a crimp in Lorek sending money the legal way. However the boys had picked up some cash and groceries on the way home after dropping Lorek's stuff at this loft.

Just because he couldn't send money didn't mean Lorek couldn't walk into a bank and withdraw sums of his cash personally. It wasn't a lot but it would be enough to get them by until he could return from his research station. Lorek had abandoned the idea of cutting them off years ago when Bernard couldn't even get a job as a janitor, and that was before he'd been associated as Roxanne's partner in crime. Besides the blue man spent all his time either in space or with them, so he had no real need for it himself.

Even as teenagers dinner was still the one meal that would bring peace to the household. They'd sit around the table and pretend to be a normal family for a little while. Though Lorek did all the talking when it came to saying how their days had been. So he made up for it by filling up the time with tales of their home world. Folk tales he had listen to secondhand over the monitoring systems all those years ago. Sitcoms, history programs, works of art he'd managed to recover. The line in a recently growing pool of rookies that would one day take over his position had become a main line of conversation too.

"So how's the new kid?" Bernard asked between bites of vegetables.

"Ok," Lorek sighed, "but I don't think he's going to last long."

"Oh and why is that?" Roxanne asked.

"He keeps using the video sequencers to chat with his girlfriend. I'm starting to think that his parents sent him to me to keep him from getting her pregnant."

"Oh, scandalous…" Bernard crooned in an almost sing song voice. It was the closest he came to showing actual interest.

"Tell me about it." Lorek groaned. "The things I've seen in the history before he learned how to clear it…"

Roxanne couldn't help but chuckle at that one. "Wow! A little amateur porno goin' on in that little corner of the galaxy is there?"

"Unfortunately." Lorek grimaced, "A pity too, the rookie is pretty bright. When he pries his brain away from the gutter for long enough."

"Hey brain cells are just as dependent on hormones at the rest of the body." Bernard advocated. "Though I'll agree with you. He'll be on the flight home with you next time you come back."

"I disagree." Roxanne shook her head. "The guy obviously has connections if his parents can pull enough strings to get him stationed at his age. I think you'll be stuck with him for the next two cycles."

"A little more cynical today that usual, aren't you?" Bernard asked sarcastically.

"It is who you know and not what you know, just a hard fact of life." Roxanne shrugged.

"Willing to bet on that?"

"Name the stakes."

"Laundry duty for a month."

"Deal."

Lorek watched them go at it like siblings. It reminded him of how he and his own sister were once upon a time. He chuckled and teased good naturedly, "You know, some of the Supreme Council members had hoped that you two would repopulate the human race someday."

Both pairs of eyes locked on to Lorek and both of their faces held looks of absolute disgust. Or in Bernard's case as close as disgust could come without changing his hooded eyes and bored demeanor.

"To bad I'm gay." Bernard sneered.

"Man, I wish that was my line." Roxanne muttered.

"What?" Bernard raised an eyebrow.

"Think about it." Roxanne insisted. "I've made myself into the rebel against state and country since I was nine. After all the destruction and chaos and evil villainess mojo wouldn't it just be the icing on the cake to be a lesbian? Just to snub it in the Supreme Council's face? A sort of, "_my destiny will nay be planned by thee_", proverbial middle finger gesture."

"Maybe, but homo is my thing. Get your own." Bernard shot back.

"Fine." Roxanne consented. "I guess I'll just have to settle for blowing things up."

"Could you lay off the explosives for a little while?" Lorek butted in, "I'd like to spend some time with you two and not have to worry about you getting carted off to prison."

"I'd escape."

"And I wouldn't get caught."

Roxanne shot Bernard a glare from across the table.

"Still, I worry." Lorek admitted and watched as the pair softened a little. Ah the golden ace in any parent's pocket, the guilt trip, it sure worked wonders.

"Hm, no promises but I'll try." Roxanne mumbled.

"That's all I can ask for." Lorek smiled softly.

The three of them finished their meal in silence and carried off their plates to the dishwasher. As to stick with tradition, they headed for what passed as the living room in the abandoned warehouse-turned-evil-lair.

"So," Bernard asked, "are we chilling out with a movie tonight or what?"

It was Lorek's turn to grin slyly.

"Oh I have a real treat for you tonight." He chuckled. He took the lid off the crate and carefully dug through its contents. Most of it was things he'd already told them about over dinner, or presents that they'd look through and enjoy later. However he'd been saving one small plastic box just for the occasion.

"I found this movie by accident." He chuckled. "Just on the surface for a routine radiation scan when I found it and I had a heck of a time decontaminating it."

He held it out for Roxanne and waited for her to take it. She did but looked at it questionably. The plastic display was warped and partially melted. You had the horse it open just to get at the DVD, which was in remarkable good condition all things considered.

"So what it?" She cut to the chase.

"My dear, you of all people should know the importance of _presentation_." Lorek joked. He snatched the disk and popped it into the player with a flourish. Though the effect was diminished when he almost tripped over his own feet in the process.

"I present to you," He began with a cough, "a little film made in 1976, starring Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford called _All the President's Men_."

Roxanne perked up.

"No way!" She laughed, but it was free of cynicism.

"What is it?" Bernard asked. He didn't recognize the name.

"It's the movie they made on the Watergate scandal!" Roxanne explained still grinning.

Bernard opened his mouth to moan but caught a glimpse of his friend and in some ways sister. Her eyes were wide and smile untainted. She was sitting up straighter and all of her focus was on the screen.

She just seemed happier, almost giddy.

His mouth snapped shut with an audible click, and Lorek settled into the couch between them.

Roxanne loved it whenever Lorek brought something home that casted some reporter as the hero. The long dead industry gave Roxanne a thrill Bernard couldn't even begin to understand, and Watergate was chief among it all.

To Bernard it was just some boring politician trying to cheat so he could stay a boring politician, and the fact that earth was a crumbling rock of radiation made it all irrelevant. Lord only knows how many documentaries and auto books he'd sat through describing the scandal. However, Roxanne saw it differently. It was something she wouldn't even tell him about. Not because she didn't want to tell him, she'd explained, but because she couldn't find the right words to. Which for Roxanne was saying something.

Besides, for however long the program lasted she actually looked like herself. Not the sarcastic villainess laughing manically as people ran from collapsing buildings. Not the snippy kidnapper who took wickedly smart scientists (or really just scient_ist_) against his will and tricked him into helping her because neither he nor anyone else would. Not the woman who ran around in spandex, leather, and spiked heels to fool everyone into thinking she was a self assured domineering fiend instead of the unsure and lonely person that only Bernard saw. No, the Roxanne that engrossed herself in journalism memorabilia was the happy, kind, still snarky (but in a friendly way), intelligent woman that knew her stuff without being in your face or demanding about it.

It was the Roxanne no one in their small family had seen very often since she was a small child. So Bernard sat back and kept his mouth shut. He and Lorek shared a knowing glance and passed the popcorn.

Roxanne, while extremely delighted, suddenly remembered the access codes she'd scammed out of Megs. Her eyes darted to the basement door, but she shook her head.

It could wait until tomorrow.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN:<strong>_ Whew! That was a nice long chapter. =D Hope you guys liked it! The last section in the end may have been a little more drawn out than the ending I wanted to leave off this episode with, but I couldn't resist throwing in some extra character development. XP

Also, now that I do the mental math anything beyond 1981 couldn't have existed in this timeline. Since I'm going with twenty nine as Bernard and Roxanne's ages. Their births coincide with earth's nuclear destruction and the year now is 2011. _All the President's Men_ barely fits into this window but I don't think they made DVDs until a few years ago (sometime in the 2000s, IDK). I'm still going to roll with it, but may the history buffs accept my apologies. I didn't realize until now and I don't have the heart to change it. If Hollywood can make everything explode for random reasons I can get away with a few inaccuracies.

Jiane Doe isn't a complete OC. I based her off that horrible teacher Megs had at the lil' school for gifted children, and I can't take credit for the name either. I know somebody over at LiveJournal who was lucky enough to watch the movie on a large projector screen and she was able to read the fine print under the first newspaper article about the paint bomb. The article quoted the teacher, a Miss Jane Doe. (remember what I said about alien names XP) I tried to make her as perkily annoying as possible, like she was the freaky love child of Barney and The Wiggles who somehow came out bald and blue. Hopefully I succeeded.

Again, I hope you enjoyed and now… back to microbiology homework for me. Whoopie… (reviews make my study breaks more fantastic, just fyi)


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Hey guys! Sorry for the wait, but it is here!

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, across town… <em>

"Manipulative, conniving, snarky pain the a-"

"Sir!"

"What? You know who much I hate those kidnappings Minion!"

"I know sir but there's no need to be vulgar." The fish sighed. He turned back to the steering wheel though his robotic body didn't move.

"Look where we are!" Megalaran shouted throwing his arms out, "We're stuck on this _stooopid_ highway! Moving barely _two inches per hour_, in rush hour traffic, made even worse by the _detoers _at city hall! And I wonder," he added with extra sarcasm "whose fault is _that_?"

"Well first, I think you mean 'stupid' and 'detours'," Minion corrected, "and secondly it's always like this after a kidnapping. You could have just asked General Scott to drop you off at your parent's house."

Was it just Minion or did it suddenly get colder in the car?

"I think I'd rather wait in traffic." Megalaran grumbled and stared darkly out the window.

"Err – right." Minion grimaced and moved the hover car ahead another two inches.

The sky was pitch black by the time the highway gave way to neighborhoods. The houses got bigger and better as they passed by. Meaning that the metals they were made out of became shinier and started to look more like stainless steel. Their domed roofs grew more pronounced and multiplied as larger homes collected more than one building. The earlier homes had looked like lone copper hills while the later were like silvery fingers reaching for the stars.

At last Minion pulled the car up to a gated property. They didn't have to wait long. An AI at its post quickly confirmed the license plate and scanned the biosignatures of the two inside.

"Welcome home Megalaran. Welcome home Minion." The machine greeted as the gate swung open on well oiled hinges.

"Thank you! It's glad to be home!" Minion chirped and then drove up the long driveway.

"You know you don't have to say anything back." Megalaran grumbled. "It's just parroting what dad programmed it to say."

"Maybe, but it's polite. How would you like it if you said 'hi' to somebody and they just drove on by?"

"It's a level 7 AI, Minion." Megalaran snipped, "It doesn't think on its own. It only follows protocols."

"You're just cranky." Minion shrugged off as he parked the car next to the other two in the driveway. Megalaran wrenched his door open with more force than necessary.

"Oh gee, I wonder why?"

The pair crunched up the rest of the grave driveway and up to the front door in silence. They'd barely opened the front door before a white and blue blur shot out of the front foyer and latched onto Megalaran. All the air was forced out of his lungs with a single _whoosh_ as the vice grip tightened around his chest. It didn't last long though. In another blink he was free to breathe again, but the blue and bald female in front of him was busy checking him over for injuries.

"Sweetheart! Oh thank goodness you're home!"

"Hey Mom." Megalaran rasped still trying to remember how to pull oxygen into his lungs. His mother may have been half a head shorter than him but the woman packed a wallop.

"Are you ok? Any bruising? Bleeding? Wooziness? Rope burn?" She listed off in a hurried, panicked voice, "Internal injuries? Oh good Heavens I hope not! You cousin Vernie almost died that way, and that was an entirely _horrid_ affair. Which I do hope _you_ learned from that and are more careful with _your_ oscillating telemiscopes. Hmmm... You seem to be walking alright, so no broken bones…."

"Mom I'm fine." Megalaran wheezed. "Same as every week."

"Are you sure? Because I can have a medivac team up here in three minutes flat and-"

"Mooooooom!"

"Don't you 'Moooom' me mister! I have stretch marks from you," She scoffed, finger pointing and all, "but besides you know how much I worry about you. Inept Security Protocols! I swear, if I ever get my hands on that Ritchi woman I'll swear I'll-"

"Um Mrs. Elane," Minion interrupted. "Is it me or do you smell something burning too?"

_**BAG!**_

All three ducked in response to the sound, and a thin trail of black smoke floated down the hallway.

"What was THAT?" Megalaran shouted, his green eyes locking with his mother's green ones.

"That would be your father trying to cook again." Elane sighed. She turned to Minion. "Would you…?"

"I'm on it." The fish nodded and lumbered down the hallway. The kitchen door squeaked opened and a series of coughing and hushed cursing followed the clanging of cookware.

"What is he trying to make?" Megalaran asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"According to the cookbook it is supposed to be a casserole," Elane grimaced, "but I think I saw something moving in the last batch…"

"Talk about undercooked meat…"

"It's string bean."

Minion ended up annexing the kitchen under his own authority and banishing unwanted personnel from its boundaries. Namely, Megalaran's father, Taris.

Like his son's mother, Taris was in his usual white (though t the moment it was a little sooty and more like off-white) jumpsuit, the uniform of the Supreme Council. It's faint fluorescent blue green markings were a testament to rank and subdivision within the sciences. Taris's had two partial bands around the waist for the physics and engineering core, while Elane had three for the molecular biology and chemistry core.

Not that the couple's expertise where limited to these fields. When you advance far enough into the sciences they all start melding together, but in practical applications these were the areas the two tended to focus on.

"Dinner will be ready in five!" Minion called from a now smoke free kitchen.

"If I can build _a Faster Than Light_ transpace engine from _Scratch_, I think I can handle a _casserole_, Minion!" Taris objected though the fish refused to let him back in. As the bald blue man ambled back into the living room his wife and son looked up from their science journals.

"If you say so Mr. Taris." Minion's voice echoed.

"Dad, he's being nice. The kitchen should get a restraining order against you." Megalaran smirked.

"Or file a grievance for inhumane treatment of biological matter." Elane added.

"Very funny you two." Taris grumbled scratching his black beard that was starting to grey with age, "But I would have had it completely under control in – "

"A decade or so." Elane finished for him. She set her journal down and got up to kiss her husband lightly on the cheek. "Or until the planet ran out of string beans."

"Ah, so you've discovered my ulterior motives." Taris hummed. His brown eyes hooded and his smile crooked. It was hard to say if his playful manner was on purpose, or if it was a lovesick reaction to his wife's affection.

"Not too hard to figure out love, you're a lousy villain." She grinned.

"Oh! My dear, you cut me to the heart!" Taris objected feigning injury.

"Which better start lowering its cholesterol or you're not only going to hear it from your doctor but from _**me**_." Elane replied sternly.

"A truly terrifying outcome…" Taris grimaced.

"I'm glad you agree." Elane nodded. "I'm going to set the table. You'd better wash up before dinner."

The blue woman left the room but her boys could still hear her mumbling, _"Because only Heaven knows what you managed to get on your suit…"_

Taris watched his wife go with hooded eyes and an impish smirk. He was brought out of his trance by his son clearing his throat.

"So," Megalaran began, "does that mean that you don't want this?"

Megalaran reached behind the couch and pulled out a white paper sack. The contraband was a little rumpled from being smuggled in, and the cooking oils had stained the bottom part of the bag. But the logo to Taris's favorite greasy spoon shown as clear as day.

"That's my boy!" Taris grinned and quickly snatched the bag with all the energy of a child going at his birthday presents. He licked his lips as the aroma reached his nose. "Is this…?"

"Your favorite burger with curly fries and extra grease." Megamind finished. "But didn't you just tell mom…?"

"Baby steps." Taris answered quickly and giddily escaped upstairs. Where the sack would no doubt be tucked away in a hidden mini fridge in his office for a later date.

"Are we still having casserole?" Megalaran asked his mother. The two were in the dining room and he was helping his mother with the silverware.

"Apparently." Elane replied. "I swear, Minion is a domestic God."

"You're telling me. Uh, what a minute…" Megalaran mumbled, and looked down the table. The white tablecloth was nicer that the usual. There were candlesticks flanking the spot where the main dish would go, and there was one more plate set next to his.

"Who is she." Megalaran stated rather than asked. His voice was flat and shoulders slumped.

"I-I h-have no idea what you're talking about." Elane stammered. She gave her son an obviously forced smile and gripped the back of a chair.

"Mom!" He tried again. "How many times have I told you _not_ to play matchmaker?"

"What are we telling your mother not to do?" Taris asked as he entered the dinning room. He looked considerably better in a fresh suit.

"I don't need you to set me up! I'm perfectly capable of managing my own love life!" Megalaran objected.

"Or lack of one…" Elane mumbled.

"Mother!"

"Honestly Megalaran! I haven't seen you with a nice girl since the Academy, and you're not getting any younger you know." Elane reasoned.

"I'm only twenty nine!"

"And ninety percent of your graduating class already has a spouse and two kids!"

"Over ninety percent of my graduating class are ten years older than me!"

"That still doesn't change the fact that you haven't had a date!"

"Ok! Ok! Down, ladies and gentlemen!" Taris interrupted. "This debate has not been sanctioned by the interglobal communications committee so please _stand down_. It's been years since I've acted as a moderator and I'd rather not come out of retirement now."

"I've been working!" Megalaran defended, ignoring his father. "Besides remember the last girl you set me up with? She collected _nose hair_!"

"Alright so I'll admit that Tracie was… _odd_, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't at least try to meet new people! I was working just as hard as you are when I was your age and I still found time to have a social life!" Elane continued, also ignoring Taris.

"You weren't being kidnapped on a weekly basis!"

"Which makes me wonder…"

"Wonder what?"

"Well I mean why don't you give Lucell a chance? She's a very nice young woman. Pretty and incredibly smart too! Her mother told me just the other day about her promotion in the medical core, and you keep telling me that you turn these girls down because they don't "understand you". And at first I took that as they weren't smart enough or something, buuuuuuut…" Elane trailed off.

"But what?" Megalaran cocked an eyebrow.

"But you know Lucell has a twin _brother_ who's cute too, you know."

"_MOTHER!"_

"Oh sweatheart! There's nothing wrong with batting for the other team!" Elane darted to Megalaran's side of the table and placed a what would normally be a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Your father and I will love you no matter what! We just want you to be _Happy_, and if that eventually involves a _son_-in-law then so-"

"I Am Not GAY!" Megalaran interrupted. His back was ramrod straight and his left eye threatened to start twitching. He didn't have anything against homosexuals. One of his best lab partners was gay and the two still traded research notes from time to time. However what did get one his nerves was that everyone seemed to believe that he was gay when he certainly wasn't, and now his own _mother_…

"Dad, help me out here!" Megalaran pleaded, but Taris just couldn't hold it in any longer.

"!"

"Gee, thanks Dad…"

The second his wife had suggested the idea, Taris made a noise like a needle being scratched across a record to bite back the bark of laughter that had threatened to escape. However as the conversation continued Taris's whole frame had started to shake more and more until finally he just couldn't hold it back anymore. Now the man was doubled over with one hand gripping the back of a chair for support.

"Taris!" Elane looked outraged. She moved to stand in front of her husband. "This is not the way you should be acting! We need to be _supportive_ and _open_ and _loving_ and-"

"Elane," Taris interrupted, though he was still grinning like an idiot and chuckling between words, "I love you. You're a fantastic mother and brilliant scientist, but you can also be the most gullible person on the planet."

"What?" Elane looked baffled.

"If Megalaran is gay, then my skin is as orange as a tangerine." Taris chuckled.

"Alrighty Mister Certain! How do you know?"

"Well one, you ought to believe what he's telling us rather than the rumor mill," Taris listed, seeming to have recovered his composure, "and two when I thought it was time to give him _"the talk"_ all those years ago he, um uh…"

"I ended up giving him pointers instead." Megalaran finished smugly.

"What? How? You were only-" Elane began.

"Fourteen, yes I remember," Megalaran interrupted again, "but no, I was not _doing it_ at the time. I was however attending a university with a student body ten years older me, loose lips, and collectively more experience than any website could provide."

For a rare moment in the household, everything was quiet.

"Oh." Elane mumbled. Her face flushed to a bright shade of purple and her feet suddenly seemed very interesting to look at.

"Mom…" Megalaran began softly, but he didn't get a chance to finish. Since Minion burst into the room with a steaming dish in his mitten gloved robotic hands.

"Who wants casserole?" The pisces asked cheerily.

"!" Elane rushed out of the dinning room, but not before she grabbed the spare plate from the table. She brushed past Minion like a winter wind. No doubt to return the plate to the cabinet and use that call to apologize to Lucell about whatever story she'd come up with to cancel the date.

"Did I miss something?" Minion looked confused.

"Don't ask." Megalaran sighed.

"Just give her a minute Minion." Taris added. "She'll be right back."

And sure enough she was. Still a little flustered but pretending like nothing had happened. Taris's body language made it obvious that it was his son's call, but Megalaran was tired. It had been a long day and he didn't really want to bring up the conversation again. So he let it drop.

"I guess my dastardly plan was foiled." Taris joked contently. His fork clattered on his empty plate. It was the same story around the table as Elane, Megalaran, and Minion sat back with full stomachs and the happy attitude that normally comes with it.

"And we have leftovers too." Minion said as closing the top of his dome.

"So you will have to keep reliving your defeat." Megalaran added since the fish hadn't been in on the joke.

"Curses!" Taris chuckled.

"My complements to the chef." Elane toasted and drained the last of her drink. With that she was the first to leave the table, mentioning something about research paperwork that needed to be done. She tried to take the empty plates back but Minion wouldn't hear of it.

"I'll get that Mrs. Elane." Minion insisted.

"Oh Minion, you don't have to. I don't want to burden you." Elane tried to continue but Minion already had all the dishware.

"It's no burden at all." Minion chirped. He leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, "Besides, I have the kitchen just the way I like it."

"Alright." Elane consented handing over her plate and left for her office upstairs. Taris waited until after her footfalls couldn't be heard and Minion had returned to the kitchen – judging from the sounds to clean up whatever was leftover from making the casserole – before turning to Megalaran.

"You know you're mother loves you, right?" Taris asked

Megalaran sighed. He should have known that this wouldn't just disappear.

"Yes, I know." He mumbled.

"And she just wants to make sure that you're to be happy… Albeit in an unusual manner, but being a little flamboyant has always been in her nature." Taris admitted, "You can be the same way sometimes."

"I know." Megalaran repeated.

"So go talk to her." Taris finished. "Put an end to this, or she's going to feel embarrassed till the end of the solar cycle."

"Ok. I'm going. I'm going." Megalaran relented getting up from the table. He passed through the living room and its plush sofas to get to the stairs. Along the wall was a collection of pictures they had accumulated over the years, and it was like a photographic timeline of his life. First there were shots of his parent's wedding and the less embarrassing baby photos. Then came the toddler pictures followed by his school days. As he made his way up he watched as he got older and taller, like growing up all over again, side by side with Minion growing up from a little guppy. It was sprinkled by framed articles and awards, written and won by not only Megalaran but his parents. There was even a first place ribbon from a cooking completion that Minion had received almost a decade ago.

At the top of the stairs was a long spacious hallway dotted with only a handful of doors. His parents had done most of their work at home when he was growing up, so their offices needed to be large. Though they dwarfed in comparison to the family library, but that was housed in one of the other silvery domes that was connected to the house.

The second door to the right was Elane's office and Megalaran hesitantly knocked.

"Come in!"

"Hey Mom," Megalaran peaked his head in, though he had to open the door quite a bit to accommodate his large skull. A quick glance confirmed that none of his mother's "pets" were out of their aquariums. Some were indigenous to Azzura though rare and from far away corners. Most of them however were from distant planets, and kept strictly within their cages to avoid ecological contamination. All of them were apart of some research project or another, and studied for the unique compounds they either secreted, consumed, or processed naturally. Each well cared for as well, since the large Plexiglas boxes were explicitly maintained and mimicked each creature's home environment completely.

However when it came to the indigenous species, Elane would sometimes allow the Montquel Bats to flutter around the room, and Megalaran had learned rather quickly that they could bite. Much to both mother and son's dismay…

"Oh Megalaran, come in." Elane put away the papers she was working on and waved her son in. Though her smile seemed a little forced. Megalaran did, passing the aquariums and large potted plants to get to Elane's elaborate dark wood desk. It felt like walking through a jungle.

"So… What are you working on?" He asked a little awkwardly.

"Oh just a few field reports." Elane replied, "A group of researchers came back from their satellite stations and I have to go through their preliminary findings."

"That sounds fun…" Megalaran said sarcastically. Preliminary findings only contained the raw data and figures, and without any interpretation it was hard to figure out what you were looking at sometimes.

"Yeah. Some of them are a little dry," Elane chuckled, "but this report from Dr. Lorek seems interesting."

"Really?" Megalaran cocked an eyebrow. Why did that name seem so familiar?

"Uh-huh." Elane agreed, truly in her element now, "He's been assigned to the _ee-are-th_ station for, ah well, for as long as you've been alive really. Been making leaps and bounds in the radiology department. He even came up with an fascinating way of decontaminating inanimate objects."

"Huh." Megalaran mumbled rubbing his goatee. He didn't care about the radiation, but there was just something about that name that was bugging him. Didn't he overhear it somewhere? Maybe… He stopped and shook his head as if the motion would physically stop him from thinking. Megalaran had a habit of latching onto an interesting problem and forgetting all about whatever he had come to do.

"Hey, um, Mom? About what we were talking about before dinner…" He trailed off.

"Oh sweetheart, _I'm So Sorry_! I didn't mean to make accusations or anything. It is just that it _has_ been a long time since I've seen you with a girl. There are all these _rumors_ floating around, _and you wouldn't believe what I've heard_. And I guess I just… jumped to conclusions." Elane quickly apologized but she was getting close to babbling.

"It's ok," Megalaran shrugged. "but I guess if I was gay I'd really appreciate it. The most supportive parents are wasted on the straight I suppose."

That got a laugh out of her, and the tension eased in the room.

"Too true." She chuckled, "But really, I just want you to be happy."

"I am mom. I love my job. My coworkers aren't complete idiots, and one day they'll find a way to keep Ritchi in prison. Then everything will be perfect." Megalaran reasoned.

"I still think you need to have more fun." Elane disagreed.

"Well you know I got dangled off a rooftop last week, and what a turnout." Megalaran joked though his mother shivered.

"Don't remind me." She grimaced.

"Ok mom, how about this?" Megalaran began, "If you stop setting me up with women I'll forget this entire conversation happened."

"Oh I don't know." Elane questioned, feeling confident that her son had already forgiven her assumptions. Her tone was friendly as she continued, "There's this nice girl in accounting…"

"Mom!" Megalaran objected.

"Counter offer:" Elane bargained, "How about I stop inviting girls over for dinner if you start going out more. I'm sure there are a few nightclubs close to your apartment. Maybe a trip to the museum is in order."

"Sur-" Megalaran started to agree but Elane cut him off,

"And I'll know if you don't hold up your end. Minion and I meet for book club every Wednesday."

"_Dimwitted creation of science_." Megalaran grumbled.

"Megalaran…" Elane stretched out his name in a way only mothers could.

"Fine!" Megalaran agreed with an exasperated sigh. His mother just smiled knowingly and went back to her reports.

"You never know sweetheart." Elane said but didn't look up, "Sometimes the best things come out of tasks you're forced to do."

Megalaran knew where this was going. He glanced at the planter on the other side of Elane's desk. The round pod was propped up on a short tripod by its base, and the hatch where the samples had once gone was where exotic ferns now sprouted up from. Once upon a time the spacecraft had been made for the search for intelligent life outside the Glaupunk quadrant. Inside the hatch was a hollowed out space where a plant or small robot could fit inside. His parents, still young members of the Council at the time, had been assigned by the more senior members to work together in order to build it.

As if reading his mind Elane picked up the story, "It took us almost two years to build that thing." – She waved at the pod with her pen – "Might not have taken us that long if we hadn't fought so much in the beginning. I thought your father was a stubborn fool and I doubt that his opinion of me was much better. But we were in a race with the Glauans to establish contact with another intelligent species – silly competition was all that it was – and it wouldn't have looked good to our superiors if we didn't at least try."

She chuckled from the memory. "Every time I'd reformulate the jet fuel, he'd come up with an engine that wouldn't take it. He'd redesign the cockpit and I'd scrap it because it failed the size requirements for carrying plant matter or biological samples."

"Come to think of it," She added, cocking her head to the side, "By the time you were born the landing systems still weren't quite right… But that's getting ahead of the story."

"So you and dad kept up the rivalry until one of the interns accidentally set the lab on fire because of an aftershock from a solar quake. One heroic rescue, several drinks, and many dates later and the two of you were married with your one and only child on the way." Megalaran finished, and he added with a friendly smirk, "The story was cool when I was like twelve, mom."

"You get that smart mouth from your father." Elane didn't look impressed. "Though come to think about it, it's a good thing that Councilor Cho and the late High King Charles finally put aside their differences. I hate to think about what would have happened if those solar tremors had continued…"

"Super nova or black hole probably." Megalaran shrugged but Elane didn't really what to talk about that.

"Don't you usually pillage the leftovers before you and Minion go back to the apartment?" She shooed.

"Yeah but I need to grab something from my room before I go." Megalaran chuckled. "I'll see you next Thursday."

"Bye sweetheart! Drive carefully! And don't play that rock music too loudly while you're on the highway! It's distracting and I don't want you two to get into an accident!" Ever the worrier she couldn't resist giving parting advice as he left the office.

"We'll be fine mom! Bye." He called back. Back in the hallway he followed it to the end, where another set of stairs waited. There wasn't a timeline of photos along this staircase, but there was a few pieces of tape left over from the posters he used to hang along it.

A single door was at the top and it gave way to the attic, aka Megalaran's room. It was a nice large space with high ceilings, plain wood floors, and a single window at the other end. A few storage boxes were stacked in one corner but they were covered with a dusty tarp. His old four poster bed with its thundercloud print comforter was up against one wall, and a line of worktables was against the opposite. Minion's old tank was by the window, along with all the old models of his robotic suit. Some of them were humanoid and others had more animal like features. They were all in various states of disrepair, since he had cannibalized parts over the years.

Everything though was dwarfed by the massive mosaic of papers hanging literally from the rafters. They were his project notes and if you looked at them from just the right angle their 3D arrangement would condense into a 2D picture. Each grouping was for a different project but all were tied to strings of varying shades of red. There was no rhyme or reason to where the papers came from. Computer paper hung next to store receipts paired with pictures printed off The Mainframe, but even the lowest hanging pieces came only to an inch above Megalaran's adult height. Something his father had insisted on, since he claimed that it would be a fire hazard should anything happen.

Which judging from the burn marks above one of the worktables had happened, once.

Megalaran passed his dresser and started looking through the drawers in his desks. They still had a fair amount of stuff in them despite the fact that he'd moved out almost a decade ago.

"Come on…" He mumbled to himself, "Where is it? I know – Ah HA!"

"Sir!" Minion called up the stairs, "I've bagged the leftovers. Are you ready to go?"

"I'll be there in a minute _Minyon_!" The blue genius called back with a smile on his face. There was a small hand made radio in his hands. It's metal casing was rusted and there was a fine layer of dust over it. But the dials still worked and the blue lightning bolts he had painted all over its surface still shone through. With a child like grin of delight he tucked it under his arm and raced downstairs.

"And he used salt instead of basil! Would you believe that?" Minion asked from the driver's seat. The roads were considerably clearer now, and the two were blaring heavy metal over the speakers while going down the highway.

"Uh huh." Megalaran mumbled.

Minion glanced over at his charge and passenger. He was bent over an old radio, messing with its inner workings. What on Azzura could be so important that it couldn't wait till they got home?

"Your father couldn't believe it either, so we went over to the neighbors. Chopped them all up into little itty bitty pieces, ground 'em up to go with the string beans, and then we set the kitchen on fire." Minion lied cheerily.

"Uh huh." Megalaran mumbled again.

"Sir!" Minion shouted, " You're not even listening to me!"

"Yes I am! I'm just multitasking." The blue man defended, looking up from the radio.

"Oh yeah, what was the last thing I said?" Minion questioned. An eyebrow ridge arched up and the fish pouted, making his sharp lower teeth stick out even farther than they usually did.

"Uh…" Megalaran struggled.

"See!" Minion confirmed. "Sir, what are you working on, and why can't it wait?"

"Minion don't be a pill. It's just a side project." Megalaran reached back towards the backseat and pulled out a set of headphones from one of the seat pockets.

"What kind of project?" Minion asked.

"Uh, call it…" He paused looking for the right word, "a _communications_ experiment." With that Megalaran plugged the earphones into a modified port and the radio buzzed to life.

"_Hello Azzura,"_ A young female voice greeted over the airwaves, _"Have you looked outside lately? Have you seen what has been going on? Are you so self centered that you wonder why I'm even asking these questions? Well it's time to wake up Azzura, and I'm the only one willing to set the alarm. You can call me DeepThought."_

'_Damn.'_ Megalaran thought as he slumped disappointed in his chair. _'Rerun.'_

* * *

><p>AN: You know, I originally planned for this chapter to end a different way, but what started as a little joke about Megamind's sexuality turned into *that*. So by the time I got Megs to his room the chapter was to long to do what I was thinking of. Though I think it is a good sign when you're writing a story and the characters go one way when you want to go the opposite. XP<p>

Hopefully the family antics made you laugh as much as I did when the idea popped in my head, and that I didn't tick anyone off. ^^;


	5. Chapter 5

I know… I'm the slowest updater _**ever**_, but I am really sorry. This comm is just so awesome that I wish I could contribute more. However Organic Chemistry has become my new evil overlord and my muse is fickle. It didn't help that this chapter really fought with me either, but I hope you guys enjoy it anyway. =]

Disclaimer: If I owned the franchise, there would be several sequels by now.

This Caped Cabaret Chapter 5

* * *

><p>Early morning sunlight filtered in from the thin line of windows high up on the walls of the evil lair. The remodeled warehouse hadn't been designed to be homey but the odd mix of shadows and golden light gave it a cozy feeling. For once in the structure's short time as hideout all was quiet. Like the rest of the city, the space seemed to quietly breathe and reminded anyone awake of their nice comfy bed.<p>

Which was why Bernard hated it with a vengeance.

He was not, by any means, a morning person and after the movie was over he had been up to the wee hours of the morning devouring the musky volumes Lorek had brought home for him. In fact he hadn't gone to bed at all and he was still debating over whether or not he regretted it. To Bernard nothing beat the feeling of cuddling up to good book. He loved sitting in favorite leather chair with a sturdy lamp nearby to cast reality in its yellowish hue. To reshape reality with the written word… To be alone in the dark with only your own thoughts… To smell the decades old musk of paper… It was almost better than sex.

_Almost_.

Maybe it could be beat by cuddling up to a nice muscular _man,_ _reading to him_ from his favorite book. Someone with a deep baritone voice and some real meat on his bones… In an isolated room with maybe a fireplace and a fur rug…

Now that was _hot_.

Bernard hadn't realized that he'd dozed off until he was jerked awake by the basement door crashing open. He quickly wiped the drool from his chin and looked up to find Roxanne fuming in front of him. The wild haired man had a vague recollection of hearing her stumble down there about an hour ago.

"They readjusted The Mainframe!" She paced around the room. "Standard maintenance checks! I can't believe that I was so stupid! The codes will be alright for today but after that I'll be locked out again!" With a frustrated growl she slumped into the sofa.

"Talk about a complete waste." She grumbled into her palms. Bernard just sighed. It was going to be a long day.

"Oh I wouldn't say that." Bernard shrugged. "I checked on the file skimmers last night and it looked like they netted a few good blueprints. We can upgrade the car so that it'll actually turn invisible – like it is _supposed_ to – instead of just looking like other cars. There's even something that looks like a gun in the batch."

"What kind?" Roxanne asked. She'd lifted her face just above her fingertips but she still looked disappointed.

"I don't know." Bernard replied flatly. "You're better at translating blue boy's _geekanese_ than I am, but who knows maybe you might actually stand a chance against hunkzilla next time."

"Whenever that happens." Roxanne sighed again. "It'll be a while before you can kidnap Megs again and I hate broadcasting reruns for so long."

"That's not necessarily true." Bernard replied.

"What are you thinking in that sarcastic brain of yours?"

"I'm thinking that recycling is better for just feeling good about yourself." Bernard ambled over to the coffee pot. "Remember the prison guard key card you swiped?"

"Kinda got a black eye for it, so it's a little hard to forget."

"Who's being the sarcastic one now?" Bernard inhaled deeply before taking his first sip. Swirling the remaining coffee like a wine tasting, he continued, "Anyway, you said that the guy was probably a cop before he was busted, right? Well thankfully for us the city is cheap and instead of issuing him a new card they just recoded his old one. Which means," – and he paused for dramatic effect – "that the little computer chip embedded in the plastic still has the police skeleton key buried in it."

Roxanne visibly brightened. "Which means you can get into his lab."

"Only through the front doors and service entrances," Bernard amended sitting down at the kitchen table, "but that's all I need."

"How soon will you be ready?" She asked eagerly.

"Two days, maybe three." He estimated.

"Guess that's better than two or three weeks." Roxanne sighed.

"No guessing. Be happy, or else." Bernard grumbled and took another sip of coffee.

"You're right Bernard." Roxanne agreed, "Sorry about the blowout." She pushed off from the sofa and walked over to the kitchen.

"Stop where you are." Bernard warned finger pointing at his sort-of sister. "I know that look. You're thinking about a group hug or some other girly shit."

"No. I was going to get some coffee, but since you mentioned it…." Roxanne trailed off. A wicked grin spread across her face and she wrapped her sort of brother in a tight bear hug.

"Ack! No! Ewwww boobies. Get off!" Bernard protested. Since he was sitting down his head was level to her chest. His glasses were thrown off kilter and he weakly pushed against Roxanne's arms. "Off. Now! Or I hit you with coffee."

"Ok ,ok." Roxanne relented. She went to the appliance and filled her own cup. "Any suggestions about who I should make my not-so-willing audience."

"You're doing the fish rant right?" Bernard asked as he readjusted his glasses.

"Yeah."

"Then hit the hospital intercoms, and see if you can nail the civilian radio frequencies. Get the commuters on their way to work."

"Just what I was thinking." Roxanne agreed. With coffee in hand she headed for the basement."I'll be back up in a few hours!"

"K. I'll start on the car," He began and after the door was shut he finished, _"As soon as I'm awake enough to see straight."_

"Now that was an experiment!" Megalaran nodded approvingly.

"Your head was almost cleaved off by that turbine!" Minion bugged out.

"Minor detail, _Minyon_." Megalaran chuckled.

"S-S-So s-should I s-schedule another trial run or…" The intern stammered. He was a little shaken over seeing his boss almost decapitated, and it made him want to reconsider his own career path.

"Of course!" Megalaran agreed, "But make it for the twenty third. I don't think the electrical grid will be ready until then, and I want the transistors dialed up to forty eight percent. Tell Stevens to replace the 520s with the 450s and calibrate the oscillators to handle the increased angular momentum of the blades."

"I-I-I-Increas-ss-s-sed momentum?" The Intern looked absolutely horrified and almost dropped his clipboard.

"Well of course! The feedback loop won't reach its maximum capabilities while you guys are babying the speed like that." Megalaran replied nonchalantly, like it was the most natural conclusion in the world. "No wonder the safeties didn't hold! They're designed them to run at twice that speed, and I know because _I _built them."

The intern just stared dumbly at his boss.

"Yoo woo! Ollo! Anyone home?" Megalaran asked and waved a hand over the intern's orange irises. He turned to Minion and whispered, "Are you sure he wasn't hit with anything?"

"No Sir, but sometimes I wonder if you were." Minion replied flatly.

"Oh, I'm fine Minion!" Megalaran assured, missing the sarcasm. He whirled back around to face the intern and gave him a friendly slap on the shoulder. "Now go on! History making inventions don't build themselves, you know!"

"Uh huh." The intern just nodded. His expression was still wide eyed and his stride back down the hallway was slow and carefully controlled. It looked like the poor guy was in shock, but some of the more senior members of the staff had sympathy for him. They patted the soot of his back and a handful asked something along the lines of, _'First explosion, huh?'_

Megalaran, however, was oblivious to it all. He turned on his heel and started towards his own personal lab space. His white lab coat billowed like a cape behind him but there were a few soot marks and oil stains from the morning's work on it. Minion wasn't far behind him, though the fish threw a sympathetic glance at the intern before following his ward.

"Really Sir, I think you push everything and everyone too far!" The fish protested looking back at his boss. "You're going to end up hurting yourself!" He fluttered in his tank and held out his robotic arms. Megalaran however seemed as calm as ever and unaffected by his friend's the rant.

"Nonsense Minion! It is all apart of the job." Megalaran shrugged. The double doors slid open automatically with a metallic _ssshink_, and the pair entered the expansive space.

It was easily one of the largest rooms in the building, if you didn't count the warehouses and testing hangars in the basement. There were tables everywhere. Most were crammed with oddly shaped glass instruments that distorted your image like funhouse mirrors, and many of them were filled with multicolored liquids or strange swirling vapors. Test tubes and papers were scattered haphazardly around. Expensive looking equipment was also featured prominently in the room. There was everything from complex computers with multiple monitors to large consoles with blinky lights and whirly bits.

Robots – both fully functional and half made models – dotted the room. Some acted as helpers while others sat lifelessly off to the side, waiting to either be repaired or finished. Papers hung from the ceiling in one corner, like the notes in Megalaran's room back home.

"Then perhaps you should consider another job sir." Minion suggested as his charge flopped down on his favorite black office chair.

"Minion!" Megalaran looked horrified. "I like what I do! And honestly, what _other_ job do you suggest?"

He eyed his fishy friend and Minion decided to tread carefully. The two had been best friends for as long as they could remember, but even brothers fought. Plus Minion knew better than anyone that to tell Megalaran that he should stop inventing was like suggesting that he should cut off his left leg.

"I don't know. You could always apply to the council like your parents. That way you'd still get to create things without all of the dangerous bits." The fish's voice squeaked near the end and he held up his thumbs and forefingers like he was defining how small the 'dangerous bits' were.

"Bah!" Megalaran waved off. "Mother and Father do a good job _Minyon_, but I couldn't stand the formalities, paperwork, or _politics_!" – he added extra venom to the last word – "Oh, I'm sure I could do it, but I'd hate every second of it. Honestly if I didn't know any better I'd think that this was your first day being my minion."

Without another word Megalaran swiveled the chair back around and Minion was stuck looking at the back of his ward's head. The fish sighed heavily and looked a bit deflated. His suit slouched to match his mood.

'_So much for that approach.'_ He thought wearily. The Pieces was about to turn around when he spotted something that made his entire prosthetic body freeze up.

"Sir! You're Bleeding!" Minion gasped. Without even thinking about it, he was at him master's side. One robotic hand clamped on Megalaran's shoulder and held him to the back of the chair, preventing him from squirming. Minion's other hand traced the skin around the thin sliver of dark red blood on Megalaran's scalp.

"Minion!" The blue man protested. He tried to wiggle free but Minion's hand made that impossible. His friend knew him all too well. "Honestly! You're acting like this is _jee-ant_ catastrophe, but I doubt that it's more than a scratch!"

"Well it could get infected sir." Minion insisted. He was so focused on his ward's head that he missed the mispronunciation. It _was_ only a scratch but Minion was determined to take it seriously. Still keeping a hold of his charge, Minion extended an arm to grab a sterile cloth from a drawer and popped open the circular lid near the top of his tank.

"Minyyyyon!" Megalaran whined. He knew what was coming and he felt like a baby every time Minion did this.

"Sir, just let me do _my job_. Ok?" Minion replied firmly. He circled in his tank before dipping a corner of cloth in it. Megalaran's cut looked like a minor one so Minion knew that he didn't need much. Once he was satisfied with the rag's dampness, Minion simply closed the lid to his tank and wiped the wet cloth over the cut.

The effect was instantaneous and Minion watched happily as the small tear shrank until it knit itself together completely. The only trace that it was ever there was a dried dribble of blood that had alerted Minion to the injury in the first place.

"Honestly Minion." Megalaran sighed, "That was unnecessary. I think I would have survived with or without your intervention."

"Perhaps, but you never know with shrapnel." Minion replied and released his grip. Megalaran jerked away and rolled his shoulder. Minion had excellent control over his robot body's strength so his hold didn't hurt, but Megalaran made a show out of the motion anyway, just because he could. Minion knew that he was just being cranky, so the fish just walked away casually.

"You're such a pill Minion." Megalaran grumbled.

"As long as it is a pill that keeps you healthy Sir." Minion shrugged.

An easy silence fell between the two, and for a few minutes the only sounds were their tinkering and the soft beeping from the machines.

Megalaran did his best to concentrate on his work, but in reality his thoughts are on the old radio. The one he took from his room last night and modified until Minion threatened to tie him to the bed in order to get some sleep.

Early that morning Megalaran had snuck it in the building and it was now tucked away in his desk. Personal projects, especially at his level of the totem pole weren't exactly frowned upon. In fact, they were usually encouraged, but to save on resources the corporate heads usually wanted some sort of documentation that outlined what the project would need and why it could be worth the expenses. Since these ideas were usually on the fly so the list didn't have to be specific but the 'why' was important. However, Megalaran didn't really want to tell people what the radio was for. They wouldn't understand, not even Minion.

He glanced at the clock for the hundredth time that day.

It was almost seven thirty.

Megalaran turned ever so slowly in his chair and confirmed that, yes, Minion was still there. He zipped back around and scowled at his desktop. He tapped his pen fervently over his notes. He moved a few test tubes. He reached for the drawer but yanked his hand back before it even touched the handle. He glanced at Minion and whirled back around in his chair again.

Then he glanced at the clock for the hundredth and one-th time.

You would have to be blind, deaf, and possibly dead to miss Megalaran's fidgeting and Minion was none of the above. The Pisces turned in his tank. An eyebrow ridge arched and his bottom lip put out. His fins deflated as he puzzled over what on earth his master was thinking of _now_.

"… Sir?" Minion began slowly but didn't get a chance to finish. Because the double doors whooshed open with a hiss, and one very scared looking doctoral student came running in. Though stumbling may have been a more accurate description.

Her clothing was rumpled. The shreds of some sort of ropy vine was wrapped around her bald head and her lab coat had a bite mark shaped chunk missing from it.

"!" She shouted all in one breath.

"Whoa! Slow down. What happened?" Megalaran asked as he sprang from his seat. Minion raced forward to make sure that the woman didn't fall over, but as soon as he was in reach she clutched at his suit like a life preserver. It still weighed over a hundred pounds but in her obviously adrenaline fueled state she used her handholds to try to drag Minion towards the door.

"Dr. Lee! Needs help… In the biology labs… One of her experiments! Broke the safety protocols… It bit her and the poison… It'll take too long for a Medivac!" The student explained between gasps and yanks on Minion's frame. Megalaran reached for the wall communicator intent on calling security.

"What about the subject? Is it still lose and are there any more victims? Lee has a lot of interns in her lab. Have they been all been evacuated?" He asked, knowing how foolish it would be if they all just ran in there blind.

The woman in Minion's arms didn't need to answer because Wayne raced into the room next. The automatic doors looked too slow next to the Glauan's blurry form and it was amazing that they even had a chance to open before he blasted in. Knowing his super speed, he must have been slowing down before he even hit the hallway.

"Miss Diante!" The general greeted casually. His form condensed as the air stopped vibrating around him. "I admire your quick thinking, and your quick feet!" – His hover car salesman grin made Megalaran want to hurl. – "Not many people can say that they outran a Glauan, but you have to admit that I was a tad busy with those giant piranha plants when you left."

"So everyone's safe? The situation is under control?" Minion asked, ignoring the fact that Wayne had been looking directly at the student as if he was talking only to her.

"Affirmative." Wayne nodded, still a little too perky for Megalaran's nerves. "However Dr. Lee was injured and could use your aid, friend."

Megalaran blanched on the inside. Really, how hard was it to remember 'Minion'? It wasn't like it was an unusual name or something. Every minion on the planet was called 'Minion'.

"Then let's go General." Minion decided. The doctoral student looked relieved as she followed the fish towards the door. Megalaran picked up the standard first aid kit and was right on their heels.

"Perhaps I can get into the cameras and see what went wro-" Megalaran began to stay but was cut off when Minion turned around and forced him to stop following them with a robotic hand on his shoulder.

"Oh no you don't!" Minion disagreed. "Sir, I think you should stay here. The situation in under control and I can handle being the medic on my own. Besides you've already had one near death experience for today."

"But you just said that the situation is under control!" Megalaran protested. "How could that become a near death experience?"

"Right now it is under control, but what if the thing gets out again?" Minion asked.

"Then General Muscle over here will just stuff it in its cage again." Megalaran shrugged.

"I really don't like being referred to as –" Wayne began but Minion ignored him to retort,

"But then there is a chance that you can get hurt in the struggle!"

"Um. Can we hurry?" The student sneered, "Dr. Lee is kind of bleeding to dea-"

"I'm a fully grown MAN Minion! You can't just order me around like a –"

"BOYS!" Wayne rarely shouted, probably because it was strong enough to cause a small gust of wind to ruffle the idea cloud and scatter a few robots. One of the jars accidently tipped over, but it was caught just in the nick of time. The little cyborg straightened it on the table and it's '_bowg'_ almost sounded like a sigh of relief.

"Megs," Wayne started again, and ignored the pointed glare Megalaran gave him for using the nickname, "I'm sorry but I have to agree with Minion on this one. This could be one of Roxanne's traps."

Megalaran rolled his eyes. Ritchi had done a lot of things over the course of her villainess career, but she never kidnapped him two days in a row. Not even on the days after she managed to escape being captured. Minion knew it too, but the traitorous fish jumped at the excuse.

"Well the General is the head of security Sir. I'll be right back!" He said quickly and scurried out the door. Wayne quickly picked up the doctoral student and flew after him before the doors could hiss shut. If asked the Glauan General would say that it was for the sake of speed, but Megalaran thought that the general would go for any excuse to carry somebody around bridal style. The pose made the meat head look good.

"'_The general is the head of security Sir._'" Megalaran mimed, his voice far too high and squeaky to be a real impersonation. "Bah! Dim Witted Creation of Science! Thinks he knows what's best. Treating me like a BABY! Honestly! Just because that HUMAN keeps kidnapping me every month doesn't mean that I –"

Megalaran stopped mid-rant as a thought hit him like a sack of bricks.

He was alone.

In the lab…

When the broadcast was just about to start and where he had all the equipment he needed…

The blue man took off like a shot towards his desk. He wrenched open the drawer with a childish sense of glee and dumped the radio on top of the desk. Paint chips flaked off of it like snow as he hurried to untangle the recently added circuitry.

'_Statistically speaking,'_ Megalaran thought as he reached for the power cord adapter behind his desk, _'the largest audiences are right after dinner and during the morning commute. If she didn't broadcast last night then…'_

With a triumphant cry he found the cord and plugged it in to the radio with a flourish.

_Click._

"_Thirty three percent."_ DeepThought's voice called over the airwaves. Megalaran heaved a sigh of relief. He hadn't miss it, but his calm didn't last for long. In a blink he was scurrying about the lab, looking for the other pieces he smuggled in. Meanwhile DeepThought continue to speak,

"_That's how many children are born on Azzura without the ability to regulate their own immune response, and that's how many children would die each year if it hadn't been for the advent of Minions. _

"_That's roughly a third of each new generation, and all of them saved and kept alive by a species that once upon a time fought for the top evolutionary rung on this planet. Oh yes, I said it. No. Actually, I hinted at it. So let me say it clearly: Azzura Uses A Race They've Conquered As Caretakers For Their Children."_

Megalaran paused over the circuitry to wince. He could guess she was going with this broadcast.

"_Cmon, don't deny it. We all know that the blue skinned people of this planet haven't always been on the top of the food chain. The old completion may not be around today but every museum has rooms upon rooms of predator skeletons. Just this last year a group of paleontologists discovered a fossilized ancestor of Minions, but it was the size of a house! A House! That's quite the size difference between that and the volleyball shaped fish walking around today, don't you think? And what do you believe caused the change, hmm? Limited resources certainly wasn't the cause; Azzura produces enough crops to ship off to other planets. So I repeat, what do you think drove the change? Why would it be evolutionarily beneficial to be small, besides the fact that it makes them more _**portable**_?'_

"Ah HA!" Megalaran shouted triumphantly as he connected the last circuit board. The light bulbs on the old radio beamed to life. Antiquated hard-drives clicked rhythmically within their metal casings and the whole Frankenstein-ish apparatus hummed from the effort. For a minute Megalaran just stood back and proudly watched his creation.

However that minute was cut short, because unfortunately he had also created a temporary feedback loop. It caused an abrupt blast of gut wrenching screeching to rumble across the airwaves. Even Megalaran braced himself against the sound, covering his ears and cringing away from the nails-on-a-chalkboard wailing. Thankfully it faded away as quickly as it came leaving the lab deafly silent.

'_The hell…?' _

Megalaran yelped and made a grab for the radio's microphone. His reach was cut short by a thick power cord wrapped around his ankle and he was yanked to the floor with all the grace of a camel being pushed off a cliff. His scream and the resulting thud probably sounded just like it too.

"Crab Nuggets" Came a grumble from his giant blue head smooshed against the floor.

'_Um. O…K… I have no idea what that was, but anyway – '_

Megalaran scrambled to his feet. This time he made it to his desk and the microphone.

"DeepThought!" He shouted perhaps too loudly. "Err – Ahem... My apologizes for the, ah, technical difficulties Miss Thought but –"

'_Who is this?'_

Megalaran was a little put off by her sharpness, but then again he had just interrupted her show in the rudest way possible. This wasn't going how he'd imagined it.

"I'm… Uh, I – err."

Ok. He actually hadn't thought about this part, and he couldn't really give his name out on live radio. Thousands were being forced to listen and this was kind-of, sort-of, totally illegal. "You can just call me, um… I-I'm an interested party."

Yeah, that could work. He smirked and was proud of his own quick thinking. That is until she started laughing.

'_So basically you're a fanboy.'_ DeepThought chuckled and Megalaran glowered at his radio._ 'Wow. Now that's a first! But you're smart, I'll give you that. How did you patch in?'_

Ah, a technical question! He could handle this one.

"Well, I won't go into the details." He hummed, trying to sound nonchalant to make up for this earlier excitement. He stroked his goatee and leaned back his office chair like a cartoon villain. She may not be able to see him but feeling confident and looking confident often went hand in hand in his opinion. "Hate to have someone plagiarize my genius, you understand. So let's just say that it involved some complicated tinkering, electrical engineering, and advanced physics."

Now that had to be the understatement of the year. It took him months just to figure out that she was using something as _low tech _as radio waves_._ Honestly who used those anymore? Finding the equipment that would produce a signal along the same wavelength was a challenge, but then to find the right frequency in just the right way had been a major pain. Add to that the difficulties of tapping into The Mainframe where the signal was hiding without triggering the firewalls, viral safeties, and anti-hacking protocols so that it wouldn't send the cops to his apartment or hers, and you were left with a major puzzle.

In short, it was complicated.

'_Humble aren't you?'_ She teased but he could hear the smile in her voice. Unless it was just his imagination.

'_Alright, I'll bite. Since no one has busted down my door in the name of the law, I assume that you're not interested in shutting me down. So what do you want, Mr. Interested-Party?'_

"Merely to talk." He replied simply. "To debate, actually. You see, I have been listening to your show for a while" – One of her early broadcasts had interrupted his boss's favorite soap opera and he'd been assigned to see what he could do. Too bad he actually found her topics interesting. – "and though I find your arguments intriguing they're missing something."

'_And that would be…?'_

"A counter argument." He replied simply. "For example, I'll admit that you have a point with Minions. Perhaps we have used them a bit unfairly in the past, but what would you purpose we do about it? We've all heard the 'set them free argument'. I have a Minion and I'll tell you know that it just wouldn't work. He would rather cut off his own fins then be separated from me."

'_Well (a),' _DeepThought listed_, "that's only because Minions –including yours- are bred to be loyal and (b) it is drilled into them from a young age to value their ward's life more than their own. Honestly if you were told from a very young age that you were meant to do something, you would do it, and if that something was harmful to __your__ life or __your__ quality of life it would be called a travesty, a tragedy, a poor reflection on the society you live in. But for a Minion, that's just the way things are.'_

'_Also, besides stopping the breeding programs and brainwashing schools there are things that can be done now.'_

"And that would be…?" He asked mimicking her earlier tone.

'_Well for one you could give your Minion a name.'_

"huh…" Megalaran blinked. "Wow. I never thought of that before."

'_Exactly! They're all called 'Minion', and is it really that hard to let them have normal names? Would it really be a bad thing to call that Minion 'Bob' or another one 'Susan' or something? Yes they somehow know who you're talking to when you say 'Minion' but that's not the point. Shouldn't they be given at least some individual freedoms too?'_

Well damn, she was smart. It wasn't quantum physics but Megalaran hadn't had this much of a challenge since college. It was downright sexy, but he shook himself out of his punch drunk stupor. He couldn't just give her the victory.

"Well it is not like they're our _slauves_."

'_Um… I think you mean 'slaves', and are you sure about that?'_

Megalaran frowned, "What do you mean?"

'_Have you looked at a hospital lately? Half the staff are Azzuran doctors and nurses, but the other half are Minions. Minions who – unlike their Azzuran counter parts – have to work twelve hour shifts, seven days a week, no sick days, and only the major holidays off. Yes, their robotic bodies don't wear out and their big medical contribution are those special enzymes they produce naturally in their water bowls – so all they have to do is wipe a person down with a little water and the booboo is gone- but what about mental fatigue?'_

"I don't think… They can't do that." Megalaran began to disagree but DeepThought was quick to counter.

'_Go ahead. Look it up. I certainly did. I had, um, my share of brushes with the medical community and I've seen it. The only breaks they get daily is lunch or if their assigned ward is suddenly injured. And rushing off to stitch together your best friend isn't what I'd call a 'break'.'_

"That… Is troubling," Megalaran conceded. "and thought compelling."

'_That's why I'm here and kind-of my stage name.'_ DeepThought teased lightly. _'Which speaking of, Mr. Interested-Party, I'll admit that your 'counter argument' let me bring out my best points, so can I assume that you'll be joining me again next time?'_

"Yes." He answered simply. His brain was still partially whirling from their discussion. "I definitely will."

'_So can I call you anything, or is it going to be 'Mr. Interested-Party' from now on?' _She asked.

Megalaran's inner showman hated the idea of being called something so generic, but at the same time he was having a hard time coming up with anything better. He frantically looked around the room for some sort of inspiration. The idea cloud caught his acid green eyes and for some reason made him think of his first kidnapping.

"_Jeez what are you supposed to be? Evil Mistress Hairy-et ." He had sneered at Ritchi, pun very much intended._

"_Oh ha ha very funny." Ritchi had sneered back. "You don't look any better with that swollen head if yours. Maybe I should just call you Ooberbrain or Megamind. It would be easier to pronounce then your name."_

"Megamind." Megalaran said in the present, but it was too quiet for the radio microphone to pick up.

"Megamind." He repeated more strongly. "You can call me Megamind."

Surrounded by equipment of her own - though far older and in worse condition that Megalaran's - Roxanne Ritchi sat in the bowels of the factory's basement. The microphone in her hand looked like it had once belonged to a high school's announcement system. There were a few chunks of metal missing from its triangular base and the foam head looked like it had been melted to the frame. Yet it still worked somehow.

That was the story with most of the equipment in the room. It packed the shelves and lined the room. Each was cracked, broken, or melted in some way or another but each still functioned. Wires of all sizes tied them together like a giant metallic spider web, and the small windowless room made it seem like an appropriate place to find one. Several monitors around the room bathed the space in harsh white light and framed the desk in the center of the room. On that desk was a cracked cathedral top radio that was the heart of the whole mess.

Roxanne barely knew how the setup worked and her connection to The Mainframe was still a complete mystery. It was something she had stumbled upon through sheer dumb luck and had kept alive through diligent work and stolen access codes.

Right now though she felt dumb as her luck. She remembered that first kidnapping too.

Of course it just had to be _him_. Of all the blue pains in the neck it just had to be the biggest one of all that tapped into her signal.

"Um, ok. Megamind. Pleasure to meet you." She cleared her throat and concentrated on not saying his real name on air.

'_Put your reporter face on and just end the show now.'_ She consoled herself.

'_I assure you Miss Thought, the pleasure is mine._' Megalaran's voice echoed out of the radio's speakers.

Oh Lord, was he flirting?

"Until next time." She signed off and flipped the switch that disconnected the signal. According to the Apple monitor on her left she could have kept it going for a few more minutes before The Mainframe antivirus got suspicious, but she needed to get all the facts straight.

She buried her face in her hands though a few brown strands of hair peeked out between her fingers.

Her kidnapping victim, her unknowing accomplice, the most renown inventor and scientist on the planet, the son of the two most influential Supreme Council members, and right hand man of the head General of all the Glauan peace-keepers… was now the co-host of her pirated radio broadcast.

Roxanne sighed and looked up at an old picture of Bob Woodward and Carl Berstein sitting on her desk.

"How can this get any worse?" She asked the smiling, long gone reporters.

Up in the warehouse, Bernard topped off his fifth cup of coffee and sat back down in front of his own computer.

He was starting to worry about Roxanne, not that it showed on his face. When the equipment down there was working on a broadcast a faint hum would echo off the walls, probably from the massive electricity usage. It was a good thing that they siphoned power off the city buildings or the bill would give poor Lorek a heart attack.

However the walls had been silent for a while now, and Roxanne had yet to bound back upstairs with a million different ideas for the next report. The investigative gleam in her eyes was worth sitting through all the boring ideas that Bernard, quite frankly, didn't care about. He really didn't give a rat's behind about the social standards the blue idiots had made for this planet. They had made it clear that he wasn't allowed in it anyway, but Roxanne was a reporter through and through. Bernard did have any romantic feelings toward her whatsoever, but he liked to see her happy.

Bernard glanced at the basement door and considered checking on her. His computer, however, had other ideas and started beeping for attention.

"Finally done, eh?" He grumbled looking at the screen. He had decided to look at the file skimmers instead of tempting fate by working on the car in his tired state. The access codes the two tricked Megalaran into giving them also gave them access to his digitalized blue prints. Of course it would take a little while to download them onto their servers but even Bernard had to admit that the guy had come up with some interesting toys over the years.

"Blah, blah, blah…" Bernard grumbled to himself, "Software update, software update, useless thing one, useless thing two, now that's a weird looking toaster… And this looks like a…"

He skimmed down the file, trying to figure out what it was from the pictures. Not everything they picked up was useful. A lot of route and mundane items would always be in the mix, but Bernard was having a hard time figuring out if this the last file was useful or not.

"I think," He reasoned out loud, "that it is a… satellite. It's a solar energy satellite." – He sighed – "Aka useless thing three…"

He was about to close it when the monitor scrolled down by mistake. A half hearted complaint caught in his throat and Bernard stared at the boldface warning. His bored expression changes to shock. He reread it a thousand times, and he blinked a few times to make sure that he wasn't seeing things.

"Roxanne!" He shouted not taking his eyes off the monitor. "Roxanne come up here! You have to see this!"

* * *

><p>AN: Ok history buffs! Can remember who Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein are?<p>

They're the reporters who broke the Watergate scandal, and their source was (dramatic drumroll) DeepThroat! X) I really am fairly predictable if you look close enough. Meatpuppet1 was the only person who got the connection (or at least the only person who said it in a review). So here you go Meaty (*hands cookie*)

PS. If the transitions between characters isn't clear, then I apologize. FFnet is giving me formatting issues.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: The Megamind fandom's slowest updater has returned! XP I'm so sorry for the delay. RL has been a pain and I'm truly addicted to the Megamind tumblr community. However my muse is bouncing back! =D

I owe a special thanks to LadyStormCrow who beta read this chapter and helped my fatten it up. Thanks again girl! =D

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Megamind, but sadly I don't. I hope you like this story anyway.

* * *

><p>"How about Theodore?"<p>

"No, Sir…"

"Steven? No, I knew a Steven in graduate school. I think he still owes me money!"

"Sir!"

"So not Steven then. What about Howard?"

Minion finally turned and told his ward insistently. "SIR! Listen to me. I don't want to be called Howard, or Steven, or Theodore, or Alvin, or Frank, Tom, Ulysses, Othello, Donatello, Michelangelo, Tobias, Wallace, or any of the _other_ crazy names you've come up with!" Minion listed off. "Sir, you really don't have to name me. I'm fine with 'Minion'. Honest!" The Pisces pleaded as he put away his toothbrush.

The bathroom was a fairly large rectangular room with the bath and shower combo on the short side and the door on the other. Mirrors lined one of the long walls above black granite countertops. Beauty bots hovered around ready to pluck, shave, or buff at a moment's notice.

"But you shouldn't have to be!" Megalaran protested. His own foamy toothbrush sprayed liquid across the mirror as waved his hands around.

"It is really not that bad, Sir. What would I do with a name anyway? I doubt it would change anything, except make things more confusing." The fish shrugged. He plucked a washcloth from a drawer and started cleaning the mirror without really thinking about it.

"And you shouldn't have to do that either!" Megalaran sputtered, pushing the robotic arm away. The blue man plucked the cloth from Minion's metallic hand and finished wiping down the mirror. For a moment Minion could only stare. His jaw hung open and you could have knocked him over with a feather. He watched his ward pick up the washcloth and finish polishing the mirror, the toothbrush hanging limply from his blue lips and foam dribbling onto his goateed chin.

"What has _gotten into you,_ Sir?" Minion asked, staring at his friend like he'd grown a third eye.

"Nuffin," Megalaran replied, the toothbrush muffling his voice. After finishing the mirror, he rinsed and continued, "I mean, 'nothing'. I've just... Well, I've just realized a few things, that's all."

"What kind of things, Sir?" Minion asked wearily. Sir had had plenty of crazy ideas over the years. Not all of them were safe or nonflammable to say the least.

"Just that… Well, you know." Megalaran sputtered, but his friend obviously didn't 'know'. He sighed and fidgeted. Fidgeting was always one of Sir's quirks. It was like his hands were trying to form the words his mouth were having a hard time saying.

"You're my best friend, Minion," Megalaran explained quietly, "and you've always been there for me. _Always_. And well, I – I just don't want you to feel…" He struggled to find the right word.

"Underappreciated," he finally settled on. "Because you're not a slave, or a servant. You're my friend, and I just – Well…"

He coughed and looked away. "I just want you to know that."

He and Minion just stood there for a minute. Megalaran forcefully tried to maintain a nonchalant air but he was determined to look at anywhere but Minion. While Minion himself was frozen. His robotic body didn't move, and neither did he in his tank. The only sign of life the little fish exhibited was the ability to blink, which he did quite often in that short moment of silence.

"Oh SIR!" Minion finally broke the silence with a glass shattering squeal. He enveloped Megalaran in a giant bear hug and the genius yelped as his blue frame was smooshed against his friend's metal one. Minion held him so tightly around the midsection that he couldn't even raise his arms to return the gesture and he felt silly just hanging there. However, Minion didn't care. In fact he didn't notice at all. He had pressed himself against the glass dome and his eyes were squeezed shut from just the size of his smile.

"That'sTheSweetestThingYou'veEverSaidToMe!" Minion expelled all in one breath. "OhMYGoodness!ThankYou!ThankYouSOMUCHSir!"

"That'sss greafft. Now can wefff, pueeze," Megalaran tried to say, but with his face rammed up against minion's bowl it didn't come out so clearly.

"INeverThoughtI'!"

"Yesssft, Minion. Wellft."

"!AndI'mSOGlad."

"Air! Air! Minion I need to BREATHE!"

"OH! Sorry Sir!" Minion gasped as he released his ward from the constricting hug. Megalaran gasped and floundered as his bare feet touched tile again. He slipped and leaned heavily against the bathroom counter. Both Minion and the bots offered support but Megalaran waved them off.

"Are you Ok, Sir? Sorry! Sorry! I don't know what came over me!" Minion fluttered in his tank. His metallic arms hovering uselessly around his ward, not sure if he should pat him on the back or get him a glass of water.

"It's. Alright. Minion. Jeeze! You'. _Really_. Strong. When did. I put. That into. Your suit?" Megalaran asked between gasps.

"About three years ago, Sir."

"Huh…. And we haven't done. You know – this?" Megalaran waved at the two of them since he couldn't bring himself to actually say it.

"A heart to heart, Sir?" Minion didn't have that problem. "No I don't think so. Had to keep our manly reputations."

"Ah yes. Best that we don't talk about this, then." Megalaran straightened slowly and brushed the non-existent wrinkles in his shirt. He left the bathroom at a march, as if somebody had seen and he was trying to regain his "manly" reputation. Which he did not have. "Come along Minion!" he called, his voice regaining its normal pitch. "We have a busy shed-u-al today!"

"Coming, Sir!" Minion chirped ignoring the mispronunciation. The fish couldn't be happier and there was an extra spring to his robotic step all the way to the lab.

+M+M+M+M+M+M+M+M+M+M M+ +MM+M+M+M+M+M+M+ M+M+M+M+M+M+ M+M+M+M+M M+M M++M M+M+M+MM MM+++M++M M+M

"You've got to be kidding me."

"That's what it says. It's all in plain black and white, Roxanne."

"That's not what I mean, Bernard. I'm talking about your plan!" Roxanne looked at Bernard from across the kitchen table. The designs were printed and assembled on the beat up old wood. Masking tape held the multiple sheets of printer paper together and a few half empty coffee mugs weighed down the corners. It depicted a solar energy collection satellite currently in geosynchronous orbit over the continent, and on average it collected enough energy to power half the cities on the globe. Megalaran had done some routine software modifications that could be performed from the ground, and being the copious note taker that he was, it ended up in his files, which was why their data skimmers had picked it up.

What had grabbed Bernard's attention was the warning. As part of his diagnostics, Megalaran found a flaw in the programming. It was a secret back door, and the blue man's notes were a how-to guide into turning the satellite into a Death Ray.

"But I thought that you liked Chinzilla?"

"I do. He's a hunk," Bernard agreed with a nod. "_But it's not like it's actually going to hurt him._"

"You don't know that."

"Pla-eeeeeze! Have you seen pictures of his home planet? The ozone layer is so thin that they get this kind of radiation before breakfast."

"So how do you know that it will slow him down enough for the Trojan to work?"

"Ok. Now you're just playing devil's advocate." Bernard sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. Dark rings hung bellow his eyes from the all-nighter he'd pulled reading Lorek's books, and he wasn't in a mood to argue. His plan was brilliant. 'Nuff said.

"Someone has to!" Roxanne sighed. "This is just… crazy! What about collateral damage? Or the Supreme Council? Or Lorek! This is completely different from what we do!"

"Which is why it will work!" Bernard insisted. His tired eyes gleamed from inspiration. "Here, let's go over it again."

+M+M+M+M+M+M+M+M+_M+M+M+M+M+M+_M+M+M+M+M+M+M+M+M+M+M+M+M

"Tell her highness that I hope she enjoys the bicycle!" Megalaran called up the stairs.

"Sweetheart, stop calling it a toy!" Came his mother's voice from the second floor.

"Well, he has a point," Taris agreed as he came down the stairs and an AI with their luggage followed close behind. Taris's white uniform was more decorative then his usual fare. It was still white, and the neon blue stripes were still there. However, the filigree grey swirls and shoulder guards were far more elaborate than what would be practical for daily wear.

"It's an official gesture of goodwill and political peacekeeping." Elane insisted while making sure she had all she needed in her carry-on as she too came down the stairs.

"It's a bicycle for her birthday," Megalaran replied flatly. "You even painted it pink. Does it have tassels too?"

Elane sighed and rubbed her temples with her hands, "She's twelve, Megalaran. I thought we should get her something that she would actually _like_. Monarch or not, she's a child like any other."

"Exactly! She's a _child_." Megalaran scoffed, "What is she going to do when she gets a flat? '_Oh pallbearers! No, no. I don't wish to be carried in my usual throne, just grab a spoke! Weeee_!'" He squeaked trying to imitate a small girl. Both Minion and Taris choked back a chuckle while Elane rolled her eyes.

"Mega-"

"'_Oh noes! The little bell is gamed! Royal trumpent men!'_ Or better yet! _'Gosh darn it! Something's missing… I know! Maybe if I clip sumthin' between the spokes it'll make a cool sound! Hand me that peace treaty wouldn't you?'_ Gah! Honestly, I know Glauians are blockheads but I can't believe they still use a monarchy! And that we're stupid enough to follow along with her every whim."

"It's what works for them, sweetie, and stop griping." Elane rolled her eyes, though Taris and Minion were exchanging snikers, "It's not like she holds any political power. Her advisors make all the decisions."

"But we're still trying to bribe her early." Megalaran pointed out.

"Megalaran."

"We are! Other planets hold political functions, we send one or two representatives. The Glauians throw a birthday party and the _whole council_ goes."

"Ok Megalaran. You have a point." Taris ruled flatly. He put a hand on his son's shoulder, "You win. We all know it, but life isn't fair."

"But! We're the smartest people in the Quadrant! Can't we build something? Just to even the odds?" Megalaran asked. Being at someone else's mercy never was something that sat well with him. Which was one of the reasons why he hated the kidnappings so much.

"Sweetheart, what do you think people tried to build during the cold wars? It was tried but can't be done." Elane shook her head

"Ahh…" Megalaran opened his mouth to speak but his father cut him off.

"Son. Don't pick a fight with a Glauian. Now promise your mother so she doesn't worry about you the entire trip."

Megalaran deflated. "Fiiiiine! I promise! General Blockhead isn't worth it anyway."

"Good to know." Elane patted him on the shoulder. "Now try not to stay up late and try to eat your vegetables."

"As if..." Minion rolled his eyes and earned a glare from Megalaran.

M+M+M+M+M+M+M+M M+M+M+M+M+M M M++M+MM+M+M+M+ ++M M+M+M M+M+M+M+M+M+M+M++MM+M MM+M+M++M+M+M M+M+M

The departure held the usual fanfare. The shuttle was custom-made to be both sleek and extra secure. As it should be, considering that it carried the planet's entire primary governing body. Megalaran didn't attend. He and Minion saw them off at the airport before the military bodyguards swooped in to maintain security. They watched the lift off on the news, though.

"I hope they have a nice trip!" Minion chirped, watching the footage. The fish was still in a good mood from the talk he and Megalaran had had that morning.

"Yeah, yeah. As good as that miserable rock can offer." Megalaran sighed, "I'm going to get changed. We have a lot of work to do today."

"Yes sir! I'll get the lab ready!" Minion chirped and lumbered down the hallway. Megalaran nodded and headed in the other direction. The locker room doors had barely swung shut behind him when Megalaran found himself eye to nozzle with a can of knockout spray, and the world went black.


End file.
